Wanna Chat with Foreign Beauties? How to Make Friends with a Foreigner Part 2

This is part 2 of a series on forming friendships between Koreans and expats. It sure isn't the final word on the subject, but maybe it's a start.

In some kind of search for balance, because I can only represent the expat's side of the equation, I asked a few of my "Korean Korean" readers to contribute some advice and insights from the other side. Those posts will alternate with these ones, in an effort to redress the imbalance.

Tip 4: Be open. My favorite line in Avatar was when the Navi told Jake why they couldn't explain their culture to the human scientists: "You can't fill a cup that's already full." This is true of foreigners, too. If your mind is already full of ideas about foreigners, you'll miss the chance to get to know ME. My name is Rob, not Foreigners, not Canadians, not English Teachers. Even if your friends know a lot of foreigners, it's better to forget everything you've heard about foreigners. Even the positive stuff. Not all Canadians are polite, not all African-Americans are athletic. Not all Koreans are good at math, are they?

Tip 5: Be ready (to speak Korean). If I speak to you in Korean, answer me in Korean, especially if your English level is lower than my Korean level.

[UPDATE]: I forgot to mention this, but I don't want to make it into its own point: If I DO try to speak to you in Korean, please respond to me as an adult communicating in your language. Being told "You're cute when you speak Korean" is frustrating and patronizing.

I'm speaking Korean to communicate with you, not to entertain you: your language is a language, not a party trick, so please stop responding to my attempts to speak your language as if I'd just performed a really great party trick. Listen to what I say, and answer. Don't congratulate me as if I were a six-year-old who just tied his shoes for the first time.

"Good boy! You speak Korean SO WELL!"  (that's how it feels)

Go ahead and praise my Korean if I'm doing well... actually doing well. Giving commands to a taxi driver after living here for four years doesn't count as doing well, and doesn't warrant a "You speak Korean very well!" If I've been here for a month, it does.

Tip 6: Be confident. It makes a big difference. Don't focus on your English mistakes, and never apologize for your English ability. A lack of confidence leaves a bad impression. Saying, "Sorry about my poor English" is like saying "please ignore the zit on my forehead" - you're only drawing attention to it!

(image stolen from here)

If you're nervous about approaching foreigners, don't forget that most foreigners in Korea are excellent listeners, because we talk to second-language English speakers every day. Just relax, and talk, and focus on the person, not yourself, and especially not your grammar. Try your best, have a good attitude, and I’ll do the same.

Tip 7: Be brave: for a long time, I never started conversations with the Koreans around me because I was worried I'd embarrass someone who didn't speak English well. You’ll probably have to start the conversation, because I can't tell if you can or can't speak English by looking at you. Getting out your English study book when you're sitting next to me on the subway usually isn't enough, either, unless you're a very attractive member of the opposite sex (if that’s true, all these tips are more flexible). If I gave you my phone number, send me a message or phone me: that's why I gave it to you!

Tip 7.1: If the English book you are reading on the subway is about a topic that interests you (say, travel photography), rather than something that gives no hint about your character ("TOEIC Vocabulary Level 4" "Tuesdays With Morrie") I’ll be much more interested in a chat with you, if I have the same interest.

Tip 7.2: Either talk to me, or ignore me, but please please please don't stare at me. Making eye contact three times is about the limit: after that, you have to either talk to me, or stop looking. This is especially true for men staring at female foreigners, and triple-especially-super-true for staring at female foreigners' body parts. They know you're staring at their breasts. They always know. Just trust me on this one.

Tip 7.3: Also, please don't talk about me in Korean where I can hear you: most foreigners know the word for "foreigner," and we can tell by people's voices and body language when somebody's talking about us. Almost all my most uncomfortable moments in Korea involve staring, or people talking about me in Korean, not realizing that I can understand them.

Tip 8: Be more than an English speaker. By itself, speaking the same language is not reason enough to be friends with someone. Think about your Korean friends: you like them because you share some interests, or some experiences in life, not just because you can practice your Korean together. Foreigners are the same: we prefer being around people who have something in common with us. If English is the only thing we share, it's probably not enough for a good friendship, unless we live in a place where there are very few English speakers in town.

This is especially true in cities with large foreign populations. Instead, as I described before, develop some interests, and look for facebook events related to them.

Tip 9: Be honest. We're smart, and we can tell who's sincerely interested in being friends, and who actually just wants free English practice. It shows in your body language, your voice, your eye-contact: everything. If you want English lessons, be honest about it, and negotiate a fee. Don't pretend you want to be friends, when you really just want English practice.

Here comes part 3!

Back to the table of contents.

Wanna Chat with Korean Buddies? How not to make an Ass of Yourself: Part 1

Ooh, dear expat readers:

You thought I was going to let you off the hook, didn't you? You thought I was going to put all of the onus on the Koreans who approach us, to defer to our cultural uniqueness, to be the one who comes to us, to adapt to our special situation.

No flippin' way!

Halfway through preparing this series, I realized just how high-handed, and totally unbalanced, the series was coming out to be... due to the fact I can really only present one expat's point of view, and generalize from there, it's not surprising the viewpoint was one-sided, really...

but I wasn't going to be satisfied with that: maybe you remember this post, where I requested some of my Korea born-and-raised readers to contact me... the reason I did was for this series, so that I could ask some of my Korean readers and friends: "What are the things that foreigners do, that annoy or frustrate you?" and present the opposite side of the equation when a Korean and an expat meet, and unintentionally annoy each other.

So interspersed between posts with tips for Koreans trying to be friends with foreigners, are posts with tips for westerners to avoid being "that foreigner" to your Korean friends.

A lot of common complaints were connected to that awkward and (let's admit it) needy situation where one is asking one's Korean friend to speak Korean on his/her behalf.

[Update: Kimchi Ice Cream has a great post that basically takes this exact theme, and applies it to the school situation. If you want to endear yourself to your coteachers, read Jason's rundown of the 14 behaviors that will quickly have the exact OPPOSITE effect.]

Tip 1: Be Appreciative

See, good expat, you're lucky to have a Korea friend who has the forbearance to do this for you, and you really should be appreciative and grateful to the friend who's helping you out. Seriously.

Yeah, I know it's frustrating living in a country where suddenly I can't pay my phone bills on my own anymore... but if you have a Korean friend who is HELPING you pay those phone bills, it's the barest of good manners to take a break from resenting Korea for not being an English speaking nation, and to show some gratitude toward the people who are helping you navigate the ins and outs.

And before whatever objection comes into your head, ask yourself: when was the last time back in your home country, that YOU helped that Bangladeshi family that moved in down the street, sort out a dispute with their landlord? Yeah that's what I thought. Bear that in mind next time you're thinking about making yet another needy call to your Korean buddy.

If your Korean friend has agreed to help you out by speaking Korean on your behalf, that's great, and you're lucky... but it's also helpful to be a bit thoughtful about what you're asking them to translate.

If you give them a speech like this one to translate:

recognize that you're being a bit of a douche, and very definitely a high-maintenance person, and don't be too surprised if that well runs dry kind of fast. If you really must order that way, learn how to explain what you want yourself... but also recognize that that's usually not how folks roll in Korealand, and you might find yourself butting your head against a wall, not because of the language, but because NOBODY orders takeaway food... but also an extra serving divided in half and packed evenly, with one of the halves not spicy, but the other half spicy but vegetarian, and with extra side dishes double-wrapped in saran wrap (for the smell) and can you deliver the spicy half to a different address than the plain half, and do you have a frequent customer card? Seriously, keep it simple, you clown!

If you do have complex things to cover, make sure everybody's clear before heading into the electronics shop or whatever: draw a picture, make a checklist, talk about it beforehand, and get your ducks in a row.

Tip 2: Make an Effort: If it's your first month in Korea, and you don't speak a lick of Korean, your generous-hearted Korean friend will probably let it slide, yah? But if you've been here for six or ten or twenty months, and you're still looking to your Korean buddy to help you order a tuna kimbap ("Sorry: I always forget the word for tuna!") then you're being a bit helpless now, aren't you?

Learn to read hangul before the end of your second month in Korea. It's not hard. Learn the names of your favorite foods, and if you have predilections for or against certain things, learn how to explain it yourself. Learn the word for "vegetarian" or "milk allergy" or "I die if I eat peanuts" or "I don't like tomatoes" and know how to talk to the cabby.

Even better: instead of looking to your Korea friend to speak for you, ask him/her to teach you the phrases you keep not knowing how to use. Seriously: make at least the effort to pick up survival Korean as quickly as you can, if only so people don't keep looking at your Korean friend and wondering why she/he is hangs out with mentally challenged foreigners.

So that's step one. Stay tuned for part 2 of "Not making on ass of yourself to your new Korean friend"

Back to the table of contents.

Busan Weekend: Jagalchi Market

It's all Hwangsa-ey out there today - the Yellow Dust is as bad as I've ever seen it. This photo has not been altered in any way.


K. 'Nuff about that.


Went down to Busan with Girlfriendoseyo and my mother-in-law-to-be. We had a great old time, bopping around Busan for a weekend, and at the end of it, eating heap good food. I took about a bazillion pictures, and visited three main spots; here are the best photos from the first of the three: Jagalchi Fish Market, one of the best and most famous seafood markets in Korea. It was great, the fish never looked healthier, richer, and more colorful, and gosh, I like traveling around with Girlfriendoseyo... and her mom's a great travel partner, too, because, in typical ajumma style, she sees to it that we get nothing but the best of the food and service the restaurant has to offer.

The Market
Outdoor

Beautifully silver fish. Never saw them so bright at the fish-markets in Seoul.










sea penises.


















Other stuff:

You could pick your food out front, and then have it prepared and eat it in the back.





I liked this guy.



Indoors: there was a whole other market indoors, but the weather outdoors was so nice we didn't really look around in there.



This guy was manually sharpening knives. An interesting effect of Korea's super-fast development is that the older generation still partakes in many "developing country/poor population" money-saving acts, like sharpening knives, re-soling shoes, and so forth, while the younger generation just buys new shoes and knives. When the older generation dies away, the nifty knife-sharpeners and solitary shoe-re-solers will disappear... but then, they'll be dying away at the same time, and nobody'll miss them, really, because everybody'll be buying new shoes and knives, anyway.



This is what we ate at Jalgalchi market


Future Mom-in-law-oseyo found this restaurant by reputation. Love the back-alley experience.

Wanna Chat with Foreign Beauties? How to Make Friends with a Foreigner Part 1

This is part 1 of a series on forming friendships between Koreans and expats. It sure isn't the final word on the subject, but maybe it's a start.  The table of contents is here.

In some kind of search for balance, because I can only represent the expat's side of the equation, I asked a few of my "Korean Korean" readers to contribute some advice and insights from the other side. Those posts will alternate with these ones, in an effort to redress the imbalance.

Hello to my (imaginary?) Korean readers. Nice to meet you. I'd like to give you some advice today. Maybe it fits your situation. Maybe it doesn’t. If my advice doesn't apply to you, don't get upset: be proud of yourself, and kindly ignore me.

For the rest of you: many Koreans I know want to have more foreign friends. That's great! But when some of you meet foreigners, the friendships you hoped for never develop. This can be frustrating for you, and meetings like this can be frustrating for us foreigners, too. This series will talk about some common mistakes which might be stopping you from making a good impression, and making a friend, when you talk to foreigners. Most people don't make ALL these mistakes at the same time, but if you want to become friends with foreigners, you must learn to avoid these common turn-off behaviors. I very carefully chose the word tips for this advice, because it's softer than rules: none of these tips are inflexible laws, because every conversation between two people is different. Think of them instead as suggestions, and things to remember

First things first:

Tip 1. Be Connected. Before you start talking to foreigners, get ready to connect in the ways foreigners connect. Most foreigners you meet won't know much about Korean networking websites like Cyworld. All the Korean on those sites is too much for most of us. However, almost every English-speaking foreigner in Korea under age 40 is on Facebook. If you're not on Facebook, you're missing a great way to make first connections, or to strengthen connections you've already made.

So get on facebook. Then, search Korea-based facebook groups for meetings and events related to your interests: these are the best places to meet foreigners, because if you went to the same event, you must share an interest. Later, you can connect with the people you met at those events on facebook, and plan to meet again at the next similar event. Looking in your areas of interest really increases your chance of making a better connection - it's way better than the subway, bars, or the street.

(Also: once you're on facebook, actually use it. Signing up for it, but never using it, won't help you.)

Tip 2: Be helpful, or generous. Give a little. I'll be friendlier if you buy me a drink, or a snack, or offer to help me when I'm lost, or something. More than that, if you're willing to use your Korean ability to help me buy a phone, call a repair person, or plan a weekend trip, or teach me some useful Korean phrases (not too many at one time, though) you might just become my favorite Korean in the world!

Tip 3: Be sensitive: Some days, I'm in an outgoing mood, and I'd love to talk with a stranger. Other days, I'm unhappy, sick, or tired, and I really DON'T want to. Before you approach me, look at my body language, and figure out if it's saying "approach me!" or "leave me alone." This will save us both from an uncomfortable situation.

Please leave me alone...

...Any time I'm not dressed: the gym changeroom, the sauna or jimjilbang, the bathroom.

...When I have headphones on.

...When I'm focused on a book, a conversation, a journal, a drink, etc..

...When it looks like I might be on a date.

...When I'm walking quickly.

Feel free to approach me:

...If I seem lost.

...If I'm looking around, and making eye contact with people.

...If I'm climbing a mountain.

...If we’re both in line, or commuting, and I look bored.

...If I'm reading a book or doing an activity that is also a hobby or interest of yours. "I see you're reading a book about pancake art. That is a hobby of mine," is the best way to start... if it's true.

Also:

...If your kids don't want to talk to me, don't make them.

...Don't shout "hello!" at me from a distance, or out your car window as you drive by

...Don't say "Hello nice to meet you" every time you see a white face, and especially don't say it and then run back to your group of friends.

...Don't greet me if you don't even have the English ability for a simple conversation.

These things make me feel like an animal in a zoo.

OK, that's part one. Stay tuned for part two, as well as part one of "How to make friends with Koreans" for my non-Korean readers.

Here's part 2.

Back to the Table of Contents for the series.

Jockey Suicide: Good For Man's Health Tells it Like It Is

Good For Man's Health, commenting on the story of a 28-year-old jockey who recently committed suicide, has had it with reports blaming suicides on peripheral factors.

Maybe I've just become a jerk (very likely), but I'm tired of reading these stories and seeing blame placed on everything except for the society of acceptance toward suicide that exists here.

Read the whole article.

There's a whole lot of different factors that come to bear on Korea's suicide rate, but the fact remains that netizen comments, job strife, competition, debt, accusations of crime, are constantly presented as reasons why somebody chose to commit suicide, when any and all of those problems have other solutions. That suicides are presented as if suicide were the only, or at least one legitimate response to these factors, perpetuates the cycle. In my opinion, the other three biggest factors in perpetuating the tragic suicide culture here are the media's disturbingly attentive coverage of suicides and suicide funerals, ignorance about depression and other mental illnesses, and the fear of being stigmatized for seeking help.

Korea's suicide rate is a tragedy in slow motion.

That's all for now.

Bull Fighting in Jinju

Kimchi and Cornbread has a great post about going to see the bull fights in Jinju. The photography, especially, is great. Go read it.

In Honor of St Patrick's Day: How to Really Improve Korea's Brand

So here's the idea.

St. Patrick's Day is coming, and everybody knows what that means.

For the uninitiated, here's a great 30 second history of St. Patrick's Day.

So here's the thing.

(image)

Not a lot of people know a whole lot more about Ireland than U2, sheep, Guinness, and all the symbols and images associated with St. Patrick's day. That's not a whole lot, really... and if you trot out those stereotypes as all you know, you'll get the verbal smackdown from your Irish friend just as quickly as if you make another f*#&ing 51st State/Exchange Rate joke to a Canadian. So yeah, it's unacceptable to wallow in ignorance about this awesome country, and unique culture, but the fact remains: a lot of people don't know all that much about Ireland.

But then, let's look again:

Yeah, the world doesn't know that much about Ireland... but what they DO know about Ireland is pretty darn positive. Cute Leprechauns, Guinness beer, four-leaf clovers, and a holiday that, while not observed in Ireland itself, has been popularized expressly as an excuse to have another day of the year to get smashed. And as Halloween has demonstrated, any excuse to get drunk will do. Who doesn't smile when the person they just met tells them they're Irish? Nobody, that's who, because everybody's had a great time at a St. Pafter's day party sometime in their life. Unless you've got a rugby or a football (that's soccer) rivalry somewhere in the background, that's most of what a lot of people know about Ireland. Not a bad start, frankly. Even I find myself predisposed to liking the Irish I meet because of those associations.

Along with that, St. Patrick's day means that, to be honest, I know a swack more about Ireland than I know about the Czech Republic, because there's no day when everybody dresses in blue and yellow and drinks pilsners. There are a whole ton of countries about which I know less than I know about Ireland, thanks to that silly drunk holiday which isn't even observed as a party day in Ireland (it was the Irish-Americans/Americans who really picked up on St. Patrick's day and started getting smashed - [fact check update] in Ireland, St Patrick's day is a week long religious holiday, where getting smashed might be part of the festivities; that's different from in Canada, where it's just a one-night drink-off.)

And here's what Korea can learn from this: with all that stress and anxiety about becoming better known around the world, here's all they really have to do: get the millions of Koreans living overseas to ...

1. Pick a random Korean holiday. I recommend Hangeul Day... but call it Sejong Day because that's easier to pronounce.

2. Dress all in red.

3. Invite Non-Koreans to the party. As many as you can, and make them part of the fun.

4. Everybody get royally smashed.

I recommend making it a mixer drinking party, as a tribute to soju -- soju might be hard to get around the world, but there are lots of other alcohols that are as fun as soju to mix with other drinks -- everybody dresses in red (this gives the party a recognizable visual identity, just as the drink-mixing theme helps people remember what to do) and it's only natural for it to turn into a bar crawl, because Koreans always hit up two or three places on their epic drinking binges. If at all possible, the party should end at a karaoke bar of some kind, another nod to Korean drinking culture, but that's by no means necessary.

And seriously, if Koreans abroad invited all their non-Korean friends to the party, and acted un-clannish for one night, so that everybody could join the fun, how long would it take for this to catch on? Exactly as long as it took for American frat-boys to go "HEY! ANOTHER DRINKING HOLIDAY SWEET!" and that's it. And within fifteen or twenty years, every university in sight would be dressing up in red, oiling up the karaoke machines, hitting up the barbeque restaurants, and mixing juices and liquors with other things, until the cows came home. It would have none of the pretension of trying to get Hanshik institutes established all around the world (that's never going to work, anyway), it'd make learning about Korea fun, there WOULD be an origin story -- people could learn about Hangul and Sejong, which in my opinion is the highest achievement of Korean culture -- but that would by no means kill the joy-buzz of having another night of the year when everybody gets happily sloshed.

So all my Kyopo readers, and Korean friends abroad: this is all you have to do to make Korea more famous worldwide, to make people like Koreans abroad, to lash some positive associations onto the Korean diaspora. Start planning your parties on Sejong Day, bring along as many non-Koreans as you can, and wait for the magic to spread. And dress in red.

You don't think this:

(image)

Will improve Korea's global image more than this?

(source)

Then you're just wrong, buddy.

Arbor Day, March 27th

Arbor Day is an awesome day: what a great idea it is to make a holiday just for planting trees! Sure, Korea's not the only place that observes Arbor day, but here in Korea it's on April 5th. Now, Korea's accomplishment in reforesting pretty much their entire country, after it had been razed by the Korean war, is an environmental side of Korea's post-war history that rarely gets told, next to the oft-trumpeted economic "miracle," but it's part of the story, folks.

Arbor Day is no longer a national red-letter day, but people still remember it, and this year, there's a sweet event happening near downtown Seoul. On March 27, near Gwanghwamun Station (line 3) there's a tree planting event on Inwang Mountain (one of my favorites). This is the kind of community event that I think expats should be finding out about, and joining.

So readers, I'm planning to go there on the 27th, and plant some trees. If you want to join me, let me know! I'll be writing about it on the 2S2 Blog as well, and you can let me know if you want to come from the 2S2 Facebook Group. Click on the picture for the full-size version.

2S2 This Saturday!

Great news, readers: first, Foreigner Joy and some friends have started a 2S2 chapter in Bundang, so if you live over there, you no longer need to trek up to Insa-dong to connect. Sweet!

Read more here, or at their facebook page.

However, the really exciting news is this: as per every month, 2S2 Seoul will be meeting as well.

Now, just as last Saturday, the awesome Chris in South Korea and the lovely Jo (short for Jehosaphattina) hosted a great swing dance + ice sculpture-o-rama, this weekend, the amazing Paul Ajosshi, from the great site, Paul Ajosshi, will be hosting the next one, Saturday at 2pm, at the same place as usual: the second floor of the Twosome Place near Exit 1 of Anguk station, at the North end of Insadong. The full run-down for the day is here, and it involves two neighborhoods, lots of good food, and a subtitled performance of the classic play, "The Cherry Orchard" complete with a way to reserve tickets in advance and save money, and you should go, dear readers!

If you want to reserve tickets for the play

Me on Exploring Seoul

KoreaBridge.net is a mostly Busan-based website that's trying to become a useful Korea info forum for the rest of the nation. I was asked to do an interview about getting around and seeing Seoul for them. It was fun talking about my favorite city, though every time I have to talk about it, I realize both how much, and in the end, how little I really know about this place.

Anyway, if you want to hear my take on some of the different famous districts of Seoul, or if you're looking for a basic scouting report on traveling around Seoul, it's a good place to start.

Go watch it, and look around the site while you're at it.

:)