Tribute to Evan, Kelly, and Matt: People Leave

"A Case of You" by Joni Mitchell: the line "I could drink a case of you, and still be on my feet" is one of the greatest lines in a pop/rock song ever. And other lyrics get quoted in the comments.


I always encourage my students not to ask the question "What's your least favorite thing about Korea" or "What's the worst thing about Korea?" when they first meet a new foreigner:  do they really want to get the conversation off on such a negative note?  And what if the answer to that question is something honest, or savage, rather than just another sideways compliment, the way it's often expected to be answered?

My "safe" answer to that question, for a long time, has been "The language barrier" -- it prompts a "fair enough" kind of reaction, and it shifts the onus from Koreans to "fix" something (for example, if I said "corruption") to me, who should really be studying the language harder.

Not long ago, my answer to that question changed: there's a new "worst thing about Korea" in town, and this is it.

People go home.

On facebook today, I discovered that it was Evan's birthday.  Evan's one of my boys.  Honestly, he's one of my favorite human beings.  He's smart, but humble, he has a faith that is strong but realistic, that gives space for others to be who they are, without sending his own moral compass aswing.  He was a loyal friend to me for about three years in Korea, and he was one of the few of my friends who'd call me instead of waiting for me to call them.  And he always had something good to say, something on his mind, worth talking about.

Evan (on the left)

We never ran out of conversation once.

He's also handsome:


You've read about him here before, at this post (Do Make Say Think concert), this post (Christmas) and this post (his birthday party)


It's been a year of attrition in Roboseyoland: Evan the bum-chin is not the only one who left, either.

Kelly NameChangedForPrivacy, whom you first met way back in 2007, has also flown the kimchipot.

Kelly was another really nice lady: I knew her when we were both WAAAAAY younger, back when I lived in southern Ontario, and she was one of the first Canadian friends of mine whom Wifeoseyo met.  Wifeoseyo was absolutely smitten with Kelly's warmth, down-to-earthiness, and sense of fun.  Kelly's another one who never ran out of conversation: she always had a story or a joke, and while she was ready to laugh at a good one-liner, she was just as ready to shoot down a lame one.

When Kelly decided to go back to Canada to get her teaching career in Canada rolling, well, it was a sad day for me and Wifeoseyo.  We got together and went to see the Rodin exhibit at the Seoul Art Museum by Deoksu Palace, ate the best Kongguksu I've ever eaten, and sent her off to church.

And now she's far away too.

Funnily enough, she and Evan were friends, too: you can see her here at Evan's party.




And last December, my best friend during my time in Korea, Matt, left as well.

This is the guy who not only pulled my fat out of the fire, but taught me how to recognize when my fat was in the fire, and how to avoid getting my fat in the fire for future reference.  He backed me up across South China, in some skeezy streets of Yokohoma, and in a few shady situations here in Seoul, too.  He and I shared some experiences that make great stories - stories of the type where people almost die - and also some stories that aren't dramatic at all, but involve things like grief, and heartbreak, and loyalty, and betrayal, and restoration.  The kinds of stories that bond a friendship for life.

And that's Matt.  He's my brother until I die.

Oh yeah... things got silly too.


And he left Korea, too.

Now I'm glad he's moving on to something bigger and better.  I'm glad he's living out the life plan he'd formulated in his head.  I'm glad he's busy loving the heck out of his fantastic wife (who happens to be another of my favorite people)... but that little, selfish, self-pitying part of me wishes he was still doing those things in Korea, you know?

So you know, life in Korea is good: it's a beautiful country with a bottomless well of things to enjoy, there's so much to learn about this place I barely know where to begin, and wifeoseyo is a stalwart, a wonderful support whom I love more and more...

people go home, though, and it's OK to stop for a bit, and remember them, and say "yeah.  Those were good times."

Maybe some long-term expats start to hunker down, and only hang out with other long-termers, because we get tired of the comers-and-goers.  Maybe that's what it boils down to... I hope that I never completely detach from the newcomers, I hope that I never become one of those smirking snarkburgers who makes fun of Johnny two-month and his "You know, I've noticed that Koreans are very competitive!  Especially in school!"... but then, every time another friend goes home, it gets a little harder to invest in then next Johnny two-month that comes along, lest he also leave after twelve.

Is this the sound of an expat turning into a lifer?  Maybe.  Maybe this is why many of the lifers I know mostly roll with Koreans, and the occasional other lifer.

I'm trying not to let that happen: one of my favorite poems in the world is Rainer Maria Rilke's "Be ahead of all parting, as if it were already behind you" -- and I think it's fine, well and good, to have some friends who come and go, as long as you can spot and lock onto the ones who are friends for life...

but it's still sad when someone goes.

Evan: happy birthday.
Kelly: we miss you.
Matt: brother, you'll always have a home wherever I am.

Hope you're all well.

Saying it's a Cultural Difference is the Beginning of the Conversation, not the End

I was just looking over the series I wrote this spring, about how to make friends across the foreign/Korean cultural divide, in which I highlight a few of the common pitfalls in developing friendships between Koreans and non-Koreans.  The series is extensive, good reading (I think), but while editing and cleaning up hanging links, I added this paragraph:

And remember: "It's a cultural difference" is NOT the end of a conversation.  It's the BEGINNING of a conversation.  After saying "It's a cultural difference," it's important to articulate that difference, and how my expectations are different than your expectations, so that we can be understanding and flexible towards each other in the future.

Using "cultural differences" can be a cop-out to avoid responsibility for unacceptable behavior which I, or someone else, is unwilling or unable to actually justify.  Any time somebody starts saying "cultural difference," watch carefully, to see if that same person is trying to get away with something, or to figure out what topic they're avoiding.


That is, if you want to have a genuine relationship with said person.  Otherwise, "it's a cultural difference" end of conversation, can be the sound of a door closing in someone's mind.


Anyway, to revisit a series I put a lot of work into this spring, go check it out.
Table of contents for the series 
Part one of "How to make friends with a foreigner"
Part one of "How to be friends with a Korean"

Most of the advice is basic, "Don't be an inconsiderate jerk" stuff... but sometimes naming specifics is helpful.

Call for Translation Help...

Here's the skinny, dear readers: I need a hand.

My fiance's father will do a short speech on the day of the wedding, and my father will do wedding vows in English with me and Hyangju, during the wedding ceremony on Sunday, July 4. Because we'll have some guests who can't speak Korean, and some guests who can't speak English, I'd really like to hand out a program with an English translation of Hyangju's father's speech, and a Korean translation of my father's wedding vows and speech.

I'm sending this out to a bunch of my bilingual friends, because it's if I can find a bunch of people to help, I can just send one or two paragraphs to each person, and it won't be a big burden on anyone.  After I've gathered the parts back up, girlfriendoseyo and I will put them back together.

The translation doesn't have to be 100% accurate - it's a wedding, not an academic essay, so a "quick and dirty" translation will do - and I'll take the English translations and work them together so that they have a style that flows nicely, and Girlfriendoseyo will take the Korean translation of the English parts, and edit them so that they have smooth style as well.

If you help us, Girlfriendoseyo and I will take you out for dinner sometime and we'll eat something really nice, our treat of course, in appreciation.  Or I'll totally pimp your website, or tell my readers to buy what you're selling, or whatever.

If you're willing to donate a bit of your time in exchange for my gratitude, a bit of fame, and maybe a pint or two at wolfhound's, or some other delicious place, please e-mail me as quickly as possible at Roboseyo@gmail.com

Thank you, my wonderful readers and friends.

Wanna Chat with Foreign Beauties? How to Make Friends with a Foreigner Part 6

This post is part of a series providing tips for expats in Korea who are interested in becoming friends with Koreans, and tips for Koreans who are interested in becoming friends with Westerners. Read. Yes, I know these are sweeping generalizations. Deal with it.

The table of contents for the entire series is here.

Tip 15 Be calm: if you find yourself wanting to "correct" my opinion, or if you find yourself wanting to say something like "You should learn more about Korea before you criticize," it's time to do one of two things: 1. do a quick emotion-check - breathe deeply, count to ten, and continue as coolly and rationally as possible, with delicate, tactful language, in a calm voice, or 2. if you don't feel like doing that, or if you're afraid your emotions will make it hard to do that, just change the subject.

Honestly, this is a bad habit many foreigners have: it's natural to have complaints about life -- nobody's ever 100% happy -- but sometimes we choose the wrong time or place to say them, or we take our normal, natural complaints about life, and make them sound like we're complaining generally about Korea, not specifically about a situation. If it seems like the conversation is about to turn into a bunch of complaining, it might be time to change the subject.

If you don't want to have conversations like this, see also tip 11: don't ask questions that could be taken as an invitation to complain.

Tip 15.1 Please allow me to have bad days. Some days, my boss was a jerk, or the crowded subway was annoying, or some of my students' mothers complained about my teaching. If I complain about those things, please listen to me, and don't think that my complaining is a final judgement on your country, or your culture. I need friends to help me deal with my bad days, not Korea defenders to tell me I shouldn't feel that way!

Complaints are emotional, especially if I just had a bad day, and when I'm emotional, I don't always choose my words carefully. That's normal human behavior; please remember that before getting defensive.

Tip 16 Be ready for a different kind of friendship than you have with your Korean friends. I don't feel comfortable explaining in detail exactly how, because "foreigners" is a pretty diverse group, as are Koreans, and the specifics vary for every two different people... but the ways and reasons Koreans form and maintain friendships are sometimes different than the ways and reasons foreigners form and maintain friendships, so there will be times when things are different, strange, maybe even uncomfortable for both of us. In those cases, if you really want to have a good foreign friend, it'll be important for you to talk with me about what's happening, and how or why things are different than you'd each expect from your friends of the same culture. If you can both keep open minds and negotiate those challenges, then you'll be on the way to having a truly rewarding friendship. But especially if you haven't lived outside of Korea, and your friend hasn't spent time in other cultures growing up, both sides will need to work on being flexible. If we can both be flexible, it's totally worth it.

And remember: "It's a cultural difference" is NOT the end of a conversation.  It's the BEGINNING of a conversation.  After saying "It's a cultural difference," it's important to articulate that difference, and how my expectations are different than your expectations, so that we can be understanding and flexible towards each other in the future.

Now, following these tips won’t automatically guarantee that you’ll become great friends with every foreigner you meet: friendship depends on more than avoiding faux-pas - but by avoiding these turn-off behaviors, you’ll hopefully have the tools to make the kind of good impression that leads to good friendships. Have fun!

Back to the Table of Contents for the series.

Wanna Chat with Korean Buddies? How not to make an Ass of Yourself: Part 4

This post is part of a series providing tips for expats in Korea who are interested in becoming friends with Koreans, and tips for Koreans who are interested in becoming friends with Westerners. Read. Yes, I know these are sweeping generalizations. Deal with it.

Here's the table of contents to the series.

On to the tips:

Learn as much as you can about Korean manners. Gord Sellar just wrote a great piece about what is called "Gaijin Smash" in Japan - where foreigners get away with stuff, or dodge the usual expectations or obligations by feigning ignorance of Japanese norms, or demanding special treatment. Don't over-play the foreigner card, and learn how we Koreans deal with conflict resoluation. Open confrontation often isn't the way it's done here; if you have an awkward situation, ask a Korean friend for advice rather than starting off with your battering ram impersonation. As a general rule, Koreans usually prefer back-channels and indirect methods of conflict resolution, rather than direct confrontation; we even have a word for it: 눈치, or nunchi, which might be defined as a cross between social awareness and tact on steroids. Learning a bit of how to comport yourself with nunchi will go a long way. Give a person a small gift and invite them to go drinking to work things out privately, instead of hauling off with a confrontation in front of colleagues, where I lose face, and you lose even MORE face, for making me lose face.

Don't ask how to get a Korean girl. What would you say if a Korean exchange student in your home country asked you the same question? Probably, "Every girl is different; I don't know what to tell you," right? Why would you think it's different here?

So here's Roboseyo's authoritative guide to meeting Korean girls: step one: Come to Korea. Step two: Approach a girl. Step three: Put your best foot forward, and hope she likes you. The Korean from Ask A Korean! wisely notes that "If there is only one thing to remember about Korean men, it’s this: they are men before they are Korean." Ditto for women: it's pretty universal that women want to be treated with respect and kindness. It's universal that there are some awesome women and some crazy psychos in every country. While variations in culture might lead to differences in how people express certain things, or how an an individual's awesomeness/psychoness manifents, those differences won't be that much more confusing than the usual variations between individuals, if you keep an open mind. One friend advises watching a few Korean dramas and romantic comedies to see what women expect from a suitor. From there, figure it out.

Earn your right to be opinionated. When giving opinions on Korea, acknowledge what you don't know. Even Roboseyo remembers having conversations with Koreans in his first year, telling them everything that was wrong with Korea, and exactly how it could be fixed. Coincidentally, the best way to fix things, most of the time, was to do them more the way they were done in Canada. Old Roboseyo was operating under the false assumption that Koreans don't already know what's broke in their system, and got caught up in the heady notion that he would be the visionary - that vaunted outside voice - who could break people's thinking out of the box of Neo-Confucianism (whatever that means) or hyper-competition, or whatever.

Problem is, the more Roboseyo learned about Korea, the more complex all those problems seemed. It's no surprise that a lot of us Koreans rankle when somebody acts as if they have it all figured out, three months into their Korea experience. During all those conversations on his high horse, Roboseyo didn't actually say anything his Korean friends hadn't heard before, and been said better, by a social critic, a commentator, or a thinker in Korea. Don't fall into the trap of thinking we will never have heard your "western perspective" before. Approach discussions of Korean issues with a level of humility appropriate to your level of knowledge about the country.  

Pick Your Spots, Too. Make sure our friendship can bear the frequency and type of complaints, criticisms, and commentaries you make on Korea. It IS my country, after all, so I probably won't want to talk about social issues all the time, nor will I want to hear complaints and criticisms every time we talk.   Spend some time talking about travel, or food, or video games, so that it doesn't seem like the only thing we ever talk about is all the ways you'd change Korea, if you could.

Meanwhile, if you don't know me well enough to read when I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, you shouldn't be getting overly critical to begin with, and if you do know me well enough to read my comfort level, be sure to do so during the discussion.  It's generally a good idea to save the "Korea bashing" theme for other expats, who understand the difference between the "group therapy" context and the "representations of Korean culture" context.

Finally: Don't talk about sex all the time.  Some of us don't mind that - some of us even hang out with non-Koreans so that we can speak a little more freely about topics that are taboo to most Koreans, but not all of us.  It's quite unusual, and often embarrassing to have a lot of really open conversations about sex, even if it's in English, because these days, a lot of people can understand English, and can follow every word you're saying if you talk about it in public.  Even if the other people in the coffee shop don't understand every English word, they'll still recognize words like "sex" and "fuck" - we all watch Hollywood movies.  Once again, pick your spots, and don't go into it unless you already have a pretty good read on a person's sensibilities and comfort zones.

Well, that's what I've got for now. If you can think of other things I've missed, let me know. I hope this series turns out useful for both sides.

And even though I've just spent a few thousand words dredging up stereotypes and awkward aspects of either side of the expat/Korean friendship, here's my bit:

Basically, if you boil down both lists, they sum up the same way: be considerate and respectful, and consider the person you're meeting as a complete human, and not just an example of their group. Really, that's all anyone wants, because, to modify The Korean's quote: "We're humans before we're Koreans, or Westerners."

I've grown uncomfortable with the casual tendency to say "I talked to a Korean nurse at the clinic" instead of saying "I talked to a nurse..." because often adding the "Korean" (or "foreign") label means lumping a whole bunch of baggage over top of the initial situation. "A Korean lady pushed me on the subway." No. "A rude lady pushed me on the subway." Using the word "Korean" there instead of the word "rude" seems to saddle the category of "Korean" with rudeness, and fails to acknowledge the diversity of Koreans, and that's unfair. On both sides, we need to be more careful about avoiding such casual categorizations.

One of my correspondents concurs:

Even though I said these things, this is the small part of my friends/foreigners aspects. Mostly, the foreigners I know are really nice but I sent this list because I had to think about what could be annoying for me.

and I'd say the same thing about the Koreans I know.

Hope you've enjoyed the read.

Back to the table of contents.

Wanna Chat with Foreign Beauties? How to Make Friends with a Foreigner Part 5

This post is part of a series providing tips for expats in Korea who are interested in becoming friends with Koreans, and tips for Koreans who are interested in becoming friends with Westerners. Read. Yes, I know these are sweeping generalizations. Deal with it.

The table of contents for the entire series is here.

Tip 13: Be realistic. I’m one person, not a representative of a whole group. Please don’t ask me questions like “what do foreigners think of Korea?” because there are more than a million foreigners in Korea, with different ages, educations, origins, and experiences of Korea. If you think foreigners are one huge group that are basically all the same, you'll miss the chance to experience the huge variety of foreigners in Korea.

Yes, I am aware of the irony of myself, speaking on behalf of all foreigners, imploring Koreans not to ask us to speak on behalf of all foreigners.

Tip 13.1 Don't expect me to know everything about my home country. Especially if I’ve been in Korea for a long time, my knowledge about my home country becomes outdated, and rusty. Canada was a different place in 2003, when I left. Seven years later, the internet is a more reliable source than I am about a lot of things.

Tip 13.2 Especially, do not ask me to defend my country's political actions, foreign policy, etc., or hold me responsible for decisions made by my home country's business or political leaders... and if you’re going to bring up social problems in my home country, make sure you have your facts straight, and it doesn’t sound like you’re just bringing them up to show that you think Korea’s better. A former student used to come into class saying "I read that Canada has a higher divorce rate than Korea. What do you have to say about that?"... I didn't have much to say, but when he invited me to hang out outside of class, I politely declined.

Tip 14 Be yourself: In the same way, don't try to represent all Koreans, or speak as if all Koreans are basically the same. Korea is a diverse, sometimes extremely divided country - North and South, Jeolla and Gyungsan, Left Wing and Right Wing, rich and poor, city and country, and so forth. When my friends start saying "Koreans are..." "Koreans think..." a lot, I begin to wonder where they got their facts.

Tip 14.1 Also, don't start talking like a promotional flyer. It makes it seem like you care about my opinion of your country more than you care about me, personally. If I want to know about something, I'll ask, and unless you know a lot more about a topic than most Koreans, I've probably already heard it (especially once a foreigner has been in Korea longer than six months).

Tip 14.2 These last two rules go double for talking about politics, hot topics and controversial issues. You don't have to defend Korea in areas where everybody knows it needs improvement, just because this time, the critic is a foreigner instead of another Korean. You're allowed to say "Yeah. We Koreans hate ___, too. It's pretty fucked up." In fact, we'd love it if you were that honest with us: it would show that you're sincere about having an honest conversation.

And the concluding installment: here's part 6!  Don't forget to check out "How Foreigners can be better friends to their Korean friends" to see the other side.


Back to the Table of Contents

Wanna Chat with Korean Buddies? How not to make an Ass of Yourself: Part 3

This post is part of a series providing tips for expats in Korea who are interested in becoming friends with Koreans, and tips for Koreans who are interested in becoming friends with Westerners. Read. Yes, I know these are sweeping generalizations. Deal with it.

The table of contents for the entire series is here.

Well whaddaya know, after all that ranting and raving about the expat's side, I'm having to take more care in presenting the Korean viewpoint. However, in all fairness, this is equally, or maybe MORE important to include on an English language blog, so here's part three: how not to make an ass of yourself around potential Korean friends.

Next guideline: don't get in such a snit if I ask your age, job, major, blood type, or marriage status. They're just questions, and when in Rome, expect the Romans to bring up topics common to Roman small talk. Durr. There are two reasons people ask these questions: 1. because I'm sizing you up, and 2. because I'm nervous about talking all in English to a foreigner, and I can't think of anything else to say.

1. If I AM sizing you up... it's Korea. It comes with the territory, and if you make this into a big deal, you're making bad choices about which walls to butt your head against, particularly because the head-butting of this wall exacts a steep social cost. If you really think you're a manners missionary sent here to teach the Mongol hordes how to hold a China teacup, well, your colonialism is showing.

(image)

If the first three minutes of the conversation is the pyre on which you choose to burn your chances to have a real Korean friend, you're dooming yourself to a seriously stunted social life, and being more than a bit of an arrogant foreigner to boot.

2. Maybe I'm asking those questions because all those clever things I was thinking of saying before I met you just vanished in a hazy cloud of "Oh crap I think I just made an English mistake." If I asked because I'm nervous, and you make a big deal out it, you'll make me MORE nervous. Realize that some Koreans may well feel like they're being tested every time they speak to a foreigner... because usually they are. Factor that nervousness into your approach to these kinds of conversations.

Next tip: don't dress like a homeless person. Even if they're off duty, here in Korea, people take care of their appearance. That's just how we roll. It's embarrasing to be seen around a foreigner who looks like he just got back from the island in Castaway.

Get a haircut.

Another helpful "when in Rome" tip: pay attention to the body language Koreans use when talking to each other, and try to use similar kinds. The size and type of hand gestures, the ways and closeness of entering another person's personal space, are different from one culture to another; trying to mirror what you see around you will help people feel more comfortable with you faster.

Next tip: If you're new here, it's OK to not know much about the country... but don't be proud of how little you know. Don't boast that "I've been here for three years and I still can't read Hayangewl!" and don't be derisive or dismissive when I do try to explain something, or immediately fire back with your country's equivalent of whatever I'm describing, as if that mere description has invalidated everything I said, and again demonstrated your culture's superiority. An inquisitive and respectful attitude is the bare minimum if you want to make friends with Koreans; without it, don't even bother trying.

Start off speaking plainly, and a little slowly when you first meet me, until you've spoken with me enough to gauge how well I can listen to Native English. Instead of starting off speaking quickly, with lots of slang and colloquial language, start simple, and raise your level of speech to match my listening ability. It isn't fun when you talk over my head.

Give a damn about your job. If you're here to teach, be a teacher, and do your best. Don't crap on the reputation of foreign English teachers while you're here. [Roboseyo here: I've written about this topic before... but I swear this one was actually in an e-mail I got from a reader.]

Next tip: Give a little back to the friend who helps you out. Back to that gratitude thing for a second: If I helped you with your banking, or some other communication issue, back it up with a little unbegrudging quid pro quo. Proofread a bit of my writing homework or help out as well as you can with a grammar question I have or something. While it doesn't feel nice to be someone's "I only call you when I need some English tips" friend, it IS nice to return favors.

(P.S. also in this vein: Korea is totally a gift giving culture. "Thank you" gifts, "I'm sorry" gifts "let's work this out" gifts and even, "Hey! It's been another month and we're still co-workers" gifts are all kosher. You don't even necessarily need to carefully think through and come up with deeply thoughtful, personalized gifts - the standbys [paris baguette cakes, boxes of chocolates, cookies or traditional snack sets, leaf teas, wine bottles, or even big boxes of spam or olive oil are acceptable for those kinds of perfunctory gifts] thoughtful's better, but not always necessary when it comes to performing the social rituals of friendship. If you hand-make something for me - knit a cap or a scarf - I'll be really touched, because hand-made, personalized is way above and beyond the normal expectation for gift giving.

Here's part four!

Back to the table of contents.

Wanna Chat With Foreign Beauties? Cross-Cultural Friendships: a primer

Read up: Equivocations (or: Yes I know these are sweeping generalizations. I'm not stupid, and neither are you.)

How To Chat With Foreign Beauties: How to Make Friends With a Foreigner: Part 1
How To Chat With Foreign Beauties: How to Make Friends With a Foreigner: Part 2
How To Chat With Foreign Beauties: How to Make Friends With a Foreigner: Part 3
How To Chat With Foreign Beauties: How to Make Friends With a Foreigner: Part 4

How To Chat With Foreign Beauties: How to Make Friends With a Foreigner: Part 5

How To Chat With Foreign Beauties: How to Make Friends With a Foreigner: Part 6

Wanna Chat with Korean Buddies? How not to make an Ass of Yourself: Part 1
Wanna Chat with Korean Buddies? How not to make an Ass of Yourself: Part 2
Wanna Chat with Korean Buddies? How not to make an Ass of Yourself: Part 3
Wanna Chat with Korean Buddies? How not to make an Ass of Yourself: Part 4

and bonus material: talking about poop

Gord Sellar has also just written a great series called "The Five Expat Social Fallacies" which is well worth reading.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Conclusion

Wanna Chat with Foreign Beauties? How to Make Friends with a Foreigner Part 4

This is part 4 of a series on forming friendships between Koreans and expats. It sure isn't the final word on the subject, but maybe it's a start.

In some kind of search for balance, because I can only represent the expat's side of the equation, I asked a few of my "Korean Korean" readers to contribute some advice and insights from the other side. Those posts will alternate with these ones, in an effort to redress the imbalance.

Tip 11: Be careful. Don't ask any question where the answer might upset you, and don't expect me to answer questions the same way most Koreans would.

For example, let's take the question "How do you like Korean women?" - a somewhat common question. When somebody asks this, it seems like a trap to me, because there's only one answer I can give: praise. It’s like the stereotyped girlfriend who says, "Do I look fat in this dress?" - she doesn't want an honest answer. She wants a compliment. Fishing for compliments is insincere and a sign of insecurity. Why is it my job to make you feel better about your country's women?

Next problem: what if I give an answer you didn't expect, or won't like? What if I had some bad experiences with Korean women, so I say something really nasty? Are you ready to accept that answer, and talk about it, without getting defensive? If not, don't ask the question. This is why I usually refuse to answer the question "What do you dislike the most about Korea" -- because too often, the person who asked the question got upset when I answered honestly. Clearly, they didn’t think about whether they really wanted to know my answer to their question. This kind of awkward situation will kill any chance of a developing friendship.

Tip 11.1: Don't be surprised if I give a different kind of answer than you'd expect, either. I probably won't repeat the talking points covered in the Korean media, because I don't read Korean newspapers or watch Korean news, and I don't always share the opinions that are common among Koreans. Basically: be aware of what you're getting into if you ask about controversial or hot topics, particularly ones that involve nationalism, China, America, Japan, and especially Dokdo.

Tip 12: Be considerate. Don't introduce me to the stranger parts of Korean culture unless I ask you to, or please prepare me for what's coming. A student once told me about taking his new foreign coworker out for Korean food, and suggesting he try Fermented Skate (홍어/Hongeo), without telling him what it was.

It’s not really surprising that the new coworker lost all interest in trying Korean food, and ate sandwiches and western foods for the rest of his time in Korea. By introducing his partner to the weirdest parts of Korean cuisine first, and treating parts of Korean culture as a practical joke to humiliate a colleague, he caused the coworker to completely close his mind to other Korean foods that he might have liked.

Introducing the weirdest parts of Korea first will usually have three effects on a foreigner experiencing culture shock: 1. it'll make her lose interest in learning more, and 2. it'll make her feel like an outsider who could never fit in, and 3. it'll make her resent you for using her to show off that you ARE an insider, while she isn't. It’s disrespectful to a person to make them feel like an outsider (this is why it’s also impolite to talk about me in Korean while I’m sitting at the table with you, especially if everyone present can speak English.) It’s also a terrible recipe for a friendship.

Some foreigners DO want to try boshintang, bundaegi, sea squirt, and hongeo, some DO want to go to a full-length pansori performance, or see the bullfighting in Cheongdo, and look around the dog market in Moran. If I want to do those things, and you've agreed to introduce me to Korean culture, I'll ask. However, many of us would rather experience the side that's easier to handle, and if you introduce the weird stuff to me without context, without preparing me, or explaining that most Koreans don't like hongeo, either, that dog meat is less popular than it used to be, or if you play the "do you know what you just ate?" game, I'll start thinking of Korea as a weird, backwards place full of strange people who eat and do strange things, and who certainly enjoy rubbing my face in the fact I’m not one of them. Is that the impression you actually want me to have? Moreover, is creating that impression worth the cheap laugh you got when I bit down on that sea squirt and made that funny face? (That actually happened to me, and it was very embarrassing.) Korean culture is not a prank to be played on outsiders, and treating it that way is a disservice to foreigners, and to your own culture.

Stay tuned for part 5!

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Wanna Chat with Foreign Beauties? How to Make Friends with a Foreigner Part 3: Questions and Comments

This is part 3 of a series on forming friendships between Koreans and expats. It sure isn't the final word on the subject, but maybe it's a start.

In some kind of search for balance, because I can only represent the expat's side of the equation, I asked a few of my "Korean Korean" readers to contribute some advice and insights from the other side. Those posts will alternate with these ones, in an effort to redress the imbalance. Here we go...

Tip 10: Be different. Almost every time a Korean approaches me to start a conversation, they start off with the same questions:

Where are you from? How long have you been in Korea? Can you speak Korean? Are you married? Why did you come to Korea? Do you like Korean food? What's your job? ... and so on. Honestly, it gets boring answering the same questions every time... which means that if you ask all the same questions as everybody else asks me in the first five minutes after you meet me, my first impression will be that you're terribly boring: a bad start for a friendship.

Repetitiveness is bad. And sometimes frightening. (gif from here)

Most of the common questions are perfectly good ones, so feel free to ask them later in the conversation, but not all at once right after you meet me, OK? If you ask more interesting, and more varied questions, I'll be more interested in talking to you again.

Tip 10.1 Here are some questions that are too personal for the first five minutes after you meet someone. Save them for later, if you ask them at all.

How old are you? How tall are you? Is your hair naturally blonde/curly/red? (How would you feel if I asked, “Are your eyelids are real or surgical?”) "Tell me about your family" is always better than "Are you married?"

Tip 10.2 These comments are strange or uncomfortable in my culture:

Any comment about someone's personal appearance, even positive things, too early in a conversation. "You are very handsome" or "You are very beautiful" is a strange thing to say to a person right after you meet them: it sounds like a pretty strong come-on. It is especially uncommon for men to compliment another man's looks in North America.

"You have a small face" and "Your skin is so pale!" -- these are not considered compliments to me. Nobody pays attention to big or small faces where I’m from, and "You have pale skin," to many white people, is like saying, "You're looking a bit sick."

"Your skin is pale" makes most white folks think of something like this: (source)

not something like this:

(Han Ga-in)

"You have nice eyes" is better than "you have big eyes".

"You look like (famous western person)." This one reminds us of that stereotyped and racist saying "they all look the same to me" -- especially when every curly-haired man looks like Tom Hanks, every blonde woman looks like Nicole Kidman, and every bald man looks like Bruce Willis. Don't say this one unless I really, really, really do look like the person. Imagine traveling in Europe and having people tell you that you look like Jackie Chan or Lucy Liu. Again and again and again.

Tip 10.3 Just Annoying:

"Are you from America?" (non-Americans HATE when people assume they're American. Imagine if everybody said "Konichiwa" to you during your tour of Europe.) "Where are you from?" is better.

"What do you think about Korean women/men?" (basically means: "I want you to flatter the people of my country.")

"Can you eat spicy food?" (unless we're about to order a meal together, this one is strange, especially because the stereotype that foreigners can't eat spicy food isn't always true.)

Not. Always. True.

Tip 10.5 Very rude in our culture:

Any comment about somebody's weight, any negative comment about someone's looks.

I've heard so many expats in Korea complain about well-meaning people saying things like "Are you sick? You look really terrible!" Once I was giving level tests at my adult language school, and the first words the student said when he sat down for the interview were "you look terrible!" He wanted to show concern, or interest in me. Instead, he offended me, and made me immediately dislike him. Just sincerely ask "How are you doing" or "You don't seem well...is everything ok?"

One last thing: if you ask "Is your girlfriend Korean?" and your tone sounds like you don't care if she is or not, I don't mind answering, but if you make the question into a big deal, I wonder why you care about it: you're talking to ME, not her, and if interracial dating is a big deal to you, I start thinking you might be a little bit racist.

OK! I hope that was fun for you. Have a great day, and stay tuned for part 4!

Back to the table of contents.

Wanna Chat with Foreign Beauties? How to Make Friends with a Foreigner: Equivocations

OK. I realize that the portrait that is slowly forming, by listing all the different ways these discussions go wrong, doesn't look good. Yes, these bits and pieces of awkward situations somehow collect together, and form a false image of some kind of "FrankenKorean" - a mix of all the worst parts of every Korean every expat has ever met. I've written before about how that kind of stereotyping and judgement is harmful, and it goes both ways, and it gets ugly.

So before the Keyboard warriors get going, hear me out. I want to be clear that these tips, held all together, creates a composite image of a Korean who does not exist. I know that. You know that. And now you know that I know that. These social blunders are not a description of my entire experience with Koreans, and nobody's socially clumsy enough to make every one of these mistakes in a single conversation. I've met many Koreans who are very socially adept (many more so than I am), and some, many, with manners that put me to shame.

However, in the course of meeting several hundred, maybe even a few thousand Koreans in the last seven years, I've seen a great variety of people, and while most of them are very socially adept, not all of them are. And while most of them don't commit these blunders, some have. In fact, enough have, and continue to do so, that these items were worth mentioning.

And the best thing is: most of these errors are easy to correct: a little awareness, and a little consideration of foreigners as fully functioning, feeling human beings, will take care of most of it. So before anybody gets in a snit, bear in mind what I'm trying to do here, and why I'm trying to do it, and as I said right at the beginning: if this stuff doesn't apply to you, ignore it!

Conversely, the same thing applies to we foreigners: so far, most of the advice I've heard directed towards foreigners boils down to being considerate. . . but why deliver a message in those two words, when I could deliver them in several thousand, eh? So, on with the series...

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Wanna Chat with Korean Buddies? How not to make an Ass of Yourself: Part 2

This is part two of the companion piece to Wanna Chat with Foreign Beauties? How to Make Friends with a Foreigner. While getting on my high horse and explaining how Koreans can be friends with me, I thought it appropriate to return the favor, by instructing foreigners in how to avoid being "that foreigner" to the Koreans around them. Last time, we mentioned being appreciative of the Koreans who are willing to help us out, and making the effort to learn about Korea, and pick up some Korean along the way.  Here's the table of contents for the series.

If you're a Korea-Korean (born and raised in Korea) who hangs out with a lot of foreigners, and you have something you'd like to add to this list, please let me know, and I'll add it. I'll write it up in my Roboseyo style, so don't worry about your English writing ability, but if there's something you want me to share, please let me know!

For one: Pay for stuff from time to time. That's right. Yeah, you've seen the highly ritualized arguments over who's going to pay, and some of us have happily put up a token fight, only to roll over and let the Korean half pay... time and time again. Make sure you take the chance to pay for things, even if you have to be sneaky about it: get your wallet ready before dinner's over, so you'll be quickest to the draw, or pretend you're going to the bathroom and pay on your way back. My correspondent says, "You can't be a guest here indefinitely" and that's true.

The tip this time, and it's a biggie, is: Be Inclusive.

Read what Gord Sellar has to say on this.

Truth be told, this is one where I've fallen epically on my face... in fact, I'm still waiting for an opportunity to make amends with one of my Korean friends. That full story is between me and my friend, but readers, a world of hurt has come out of it, and on the list of "things I'd change if I had a time machine," it's not far from the top.

One of the e-mails I got focuses on the exclusion from joking aspect: you know the feeling when you know your Korean friends are talking about you, and you can follow along with most of what's said, and then suddenly everybody laughs, and you ask "what's so funny?" and they say "It's hard to explain. Forget it."

That sucks, doesn't it?

Well, it sucks both ways, wouldn't you know? Take a moment to explain those kinds of jokes, and don't talk over the heads of people who are right there next to you. The reverse admonishment shall certainly be made on the Korean side, but let's make sure that we're not guilty of it ourselves, when we know how frustrating it is to have a few Koreans at the table talk around, above, or through us, because we can't follow their conversation.

At a deeper level, let's talk for a moment about the tendency I've seen for some foreigners to treat their foreign friends' Korean partners or friends basically like accessories: "Did you bring your Korean with you today?" "No. My Korean stayed home. How's your Korean?" "He started a new job!" I sharply remember a moment, early last year, when I bumped into another Canadian in my neighborhood; he was out walking around with his Korean significant other, and after a bit of light chatting, I asked what her name was, and what she did, and she actually thanked me for not ignoring her, like a lot of other foreigners do when they talk with her guy.

Are we really so bad at this, that her expectations had gotten so low, that the mere time of day was enough for her to express appreciation? Holy Pariahs, Batman! That's some low-down treatment! I know I've been guilty of this myself, and I've seen it happen and sometimes done too little, or nothing at all about it, but readers, you want to know why a lot of the Korean significant others seem not to enjoy joining the foreigner get-togethers? It's because they tire of being treated like furniture, yah?

being the outsider sucks. (image source)

Now, some of you are going to mention that when these big mixed groups happen at parties and such, the Koreans tend to clump together and form a "mini-tribe" in a corner of the room or something... but instead of shifting the blame to the other side, let's acknowledge that "Ignoring the Koreans because they clump together/Koreans clumping together because the foreigners ignore them" is a chicken/egg vicious cycle if I've ever seen one. We can agree about that, can't we? I hope so.

Some of you are also going to mention that, especially for those of us who spend all week repeating "See the car. The car is red. Do you like the car?" to seven-year-olds WANT to talk about complex topics, really fast, on the weekend, and in our sheer excitement over meeting another foreigner, we might skip over the social graces and niceties. I know how that goes, and I've done the same thing, even with fianceoseyo, and discussed humanities topics at length and speed with a friend, while she (highly trained in the sciences area) kind of got the eyes-glazed-over look... but fact is, my excitement aside, I don't want to make a person I care about, feel that way. Finally, to stretch the argument a bit farther, if we're treating the Koreans we meet like furniture, how dare we get outraged when the Korean media does the same to us, with crooked reports about unqualified teachers and the like?

This one is simply a matter of respect and politeness, in the end, but if we're not dividing our attention at least somewhat proportionally between the Koreans in the room, and the foreigners, how can we hold it against them to clump together, and how can we be surprised when they get a negative impression from us and our exclusivity?

So yeah, let's make a little more effort to include the Koreans at the party, to chat up the significant others and guests and plus one's, with the standard courtesies, so that they don't develop that aversion to meeting our other friends, and coming to our parties, and helping us enjoy our lives in Korea a little more.

Part 3 is here!

Table of contents for the series 

Wanna Chat with Foreign Beauties? How to Make Friends with a Foreigner Part 2

This is part 2 of a series on forming friendships between Koreans and expats. It sure isn't the final word on the subject, but maybe it's a start.

In some kind of search for balance, because I can only represent the expat's side of the equation, I asked a few of my "Korean Korean" readers to contribute some advice and insights from the other side. Those posts will alternate with these ones, in an effort to redress the imbalance.

Tip 4: Be open. My favorite line in Avatar was when the Navi told Jake why they couldn't explain their culture to the human scientists: "You can't fill a cup that's already full." This is true of foreigners, too. If your mind is already full of ideas about foreigners, you'll miss the chance to get to know ME. My name is Rob, not Foreigners, not Canadians, not English Teachers. Even if your friends know a lot of foreigners, it's better to forget everything you've heard about foreigners. Even the positive stuff. Not all Canadians are polite, not all African-Americans are athletic. Not all Koreans are good at math, are they?

Tip 5: Be ready (to speak Korean). If I speak to you in Korean, answer me in Korean, especially if your English level is lower than my Korean level.

[UPDATE]: I forgot to mention this, but I don't want to make it into its own point: If I DO try to speak to you in Korean, please respond to me as an adult communicating in your language. Being told "You're cute when you speak Korean" is frustrating and patronizing.

I'm speaking Korean to communicate with you, not to entertain you: your language is a language, not a party trick, so please stop responding to my attempts to speak your language as if I'd just performed a really great party trick. Listen to what I say, and answer. Don't congratulate me as if I were a six-year-old who just tied his shoes for the first time.

"Good boy! You speak Korean SO WELL!"  (that's how it feels)

Go ahead and praise my Korean if I'm doing well... actually doing well. Giving commands to a taxi driver after living here for four years doesn't count as doing well, and doesn't warrant a "You speak Korean very well!" If I've been here for a month, it does.

Tip 6: Be confident. It makes a big difference. Don't focus on your English mistakes, and never apologize for your English ability. A lack of confidence leaves a bad impression. Saying, "Sorry about my poor English" is like saying "please ignore the zit on my forehead" - you're only drawing attention to it!

(image stolen from here)

If you're nervous about approaching foreigners, don't forget that most foreigners in Korea are excellent listeners, because we talk to second-language English speakers every day. Just relax, and talk, and focus on the person, not yourself, and especially not your grammar. Try your best, have a good attitude, and I’ll do the same.

Tip 7: Be brave: for a long time, I never started conversations with the Koreans around me because I was worried I'd embarrass someone who didn't speak English well. You’ll probably have to start the conversation, because I can't tell if you can or can't speak English by looking at you. Getting out your English study book when you're sitting next to me on the subway usually isn't enough, either, unless you're a very attractive member of the opposite sex (if that’s true, all these tips are more flexible). If I gave you my phone number, send me a message or phone me: that's why I gave it to you!

Tip 7.1: If the English book you are reading on the subway is about a topic that interests you (say, travel photography), rather than something that gives no hint about your character ("TOEIC Vocabulary Level 4" "Tuesdays With Morrie") I’ll be much more interested in a chat with you, if I have the same interest.

Tip 7.2: Either talk to me, or ignore me, but please please please don't stare at me. Making eye contact three times is about the limit: after that, you have to either talk to me, or stop looking. This is especially true for men staring at female foreigners, and triple-especially-super-true for staring at female foreigners' body parts. They know you're staring at their breasts. They always know. Just trust me on this one.

Tip 7.3: Also, please don't talk about me in Korean where I can hear you: most foreigners know the word for "foreigner," and we can tell by people's voices and body language when somebody's talking about us. Almost all my most uncomfortable moments in Korea involve staring, or people talking about me in Korean, not realizing that I can understand them.

Tip 8: Be more than an English speaker. By itself, speaking the same language is not reason enough to be friends with someone. Think about your Korean friends: you like them because you share some interests, or some experiences in life, not just because you can practice your Korean together. Foreigners are the same: we prefer being around people who have something in common with us. If English is the only thing we share, it's probably not enough for a good friendship, unless we live in a place where there are very few English speakers in town.

This is especially true in cities with large foreign populations. Instead, as I described before, develop some interests, and look for facebook events related to them.

Tip 9: Be honest. We're smart, and we can tell who's sincerely interested in being friends, and who actually just wants free English practice. It shows in your body language, your voice, your eye-contact: everything. If you want English lessons, be honest about it, and negotiate a fee. Don't pretend you want to be friends, when you really just want English practice.

Here comes part 3!

Back to the table of contents.

Wanna Chat with Korean Buddies? How not to make an Ass of Yourself: Part 1

Ooh, dear expat readers:

You thought I was going to let you off the hook, didn't you? You thought I was going to put all of the onus on the Koreans who approach us, to defer to our cultural uniqueness, to be the one who comes to us, to adapt to our special situation.

No flippin' way!

Halfway through preparing this series, I realized just how high-handed, and totally unbalanced, the series was coming out to be... due to the fact I can really only present one expat's point of view, and generalize from there, it's not surprising the viewpoint was one-sided, really...

but I wasn't going to be satisfied with that: maybe you remember this post, where I requested some of my Korea born-and-raised readers to contact me... the reason I did was for this series, so that I could ask some of my Korean readers and friends: "What are the things that foreigners do, that annoy or frustrate you?" and present the opposite side of the equation when a Korean and an expat meet, and unintentionally annoy each other.

So interspersed between posts with tips for Koreans trying to be friends with foreigners, are posts with tips for westerners to avoid being "that foreigner" to your Korean friends.

A lot of common complaints were connected to that awkward and (let's admit it) needy situation where one is asking one's Korean friend to speak Korean on his/her behalf.

[Update: Kimchi Ice Cream has a great post that basically takes this exact theme, and applies it to the school situation. If you want to endear yourself to your coteachers, read Jason's rundown of the 14 behaviors that will quickly have the exact OPPOSITE effect.]

Tip 1: Be Appreciative

See, good expat, you're lucky to have a Korea friend who has the forbearance to do this for you, and you really should be appreciative and grateful to the friend who's helping you out. Seriously.

Yeah, I know it's frustrating living in a country where suddenly I can't pay my phone bills on my own anymore... but if you have a Korean friend who is HELPING you pay those phone bills, it's the barest of good manners to take a break from resenting Korea for not being an English speaking nation, and to show some gratitude toward the people who are helping you navigate the ins and outs.

And before whatever objection comes into your head, ask yourself: when was the last time back in your home country, that YOU helped that Bangladeshi family that moved in down the street, sort out a dispute with their landlord? Yeah that's what I thought. Bear that in mind next time you're thinking about making yet another needy call to your Korean buddy.

If your Korean friend has agreed to help you out by speaking Korean on your behalf, that's great, and you're lucky... but it's also helpful to be a bit thoughtful about what you're asking them to translate.

If you give them a speech like this one to translate:

recognize that you're being a bit of a douche, and very definitely a high-maintenance person, and don't be too surprised if that well runs dry kind of fast. If you really must order that way, learn how to explain what you want yourself... but also recognize that that's usually not how folks roll in Korealand, and you might find yourself butting your head against a wall, not because of the language, but because NOBODY orders takeaway food... but also an extra serving divided in half and packed evenly, with one of the halves not spicy, but the other half spicy but vegetarian, and with extra side dishes double-wrapped in saran wrap (for the smell) and can you deliver the spicy half to a different address than the plain half, and do you have a frequent customer card? Seriously, keep it simple, you clown!

If you do have complex things to cover, make sure everybody's clear before heading into the electronics shop or whatever: draw a picture, make a checklist, talk about it beforehand, and get your ducks in a row.

Tip 2: Make an Effort: If it's your first month in Korea, and you don't speak a lick of Korean, your generous-hearted Korean friend will probably let it slide, yah? But if you've been here for six or ten or twenty months, and you're still looking to your Korean buddy to help you order a tuna kimbap ("Sorry: I always forget the word for tuna!") then you're being a bit helpless now, aren't you?

Learn to read hangul before the end of your second month in Korea. It's not hard. Learn the names of your favorite foods, and if you have predilections for or against certain things, learn how to explain it yourself. Learn the word for "vegetarian" or "milk allergy" or "I die if I eat peanuts" or "I don't like tomatoes" and know how to talk to the cabby.

Even better: instead of looking to your Korea friend to speak for you, ask him/her to teach you the phrases you keep not knowing how to use. Seriously: make at least the effort to pick up survival Korean as quickly as you can, if only so people don't keep looking at your Korean friend and wondering why she/he is hangs out with mentally challenged foreigners.

So that's step one. Stay tuned for part 2 of "Not making on ass of yourself to your new Korean friend"

Back to the table of contents.

Wanna Chat with Foreign Beauties? How to Make Friends with a Foreigner Part 1

This is part 1 of a series on forming friendships between Koreans and expats. It sure isn't the final word on the subject, but maybe it's a start.  The table of contents is here.

In some kind of search for balance, because I can only represent the expat's side of the equation, I asked a few of my "Korean Korean" readers to contribute some advice and insights from the other side. Those posts will alternate with these ones, in an effort to redress the imbalance.

Hello to my (imaginary?) Korean readers. Nice to meet you. I'd like to give you some advice today. Maybe it fits your situation. Maybe it doesn’t. If my advice doesn't apply to you, don't get upset: be proud of yourself, and kindly ignore me.

For the rest of you: many Koreans I know want to have more foreign friends. That's great! But when some of you meet foreigners, the friendships you hoped for never develop. This can be frustrating for you, and meetings like this can be frustrating for us foreigners, too. This series will talk about some common mistakes which might be stopping you from making a good impression, and making a friend, when you talk to foreigners. Most people don't make ALL these mistakes at the same time, but if you want to become friends with foreigners, you must learn to avoid these common turn-off behaviors. I very carefully chose the word tips for this advice, because it's softer than rules: none of these tips are inflexible laws, because every conversation between two people is different. Think of them instead as suggestions, and things to remember

First things first:

Tip 1. Be Connected. Before you start talking to foreigners, get ready to connect in the ways foreigners connect. Most foreigners you meet won't know much about Korean networking websites like Cyworld. All the Korean on those sites is too much for most of us. However, almost every English-speaking foreigner in Korea under age 40 is on Facebook. If you're not on Facebook, you're missing a great way to make first connections, or to strengthen connections you've already made.

So get on facebook. Then, search Korea-based facebook groups for meetings and events related to your interests: these are the best places to meet foreigners, because if you went to the same event, you must share an interest. Later, you can connect with the people you met at those events on facebook, and plan to meet again at the next similar event. Looking in your areas of interest really increases your chance of making a better connection - it's way better than the subway, bars, or the street.

(Also: once you're on facebook, actually use it. Signing up for it, but never using it, won't help you.)

Tip 2: Be helpful, or generous. Give a little. I'll be friendlier if you buy me a drink, or a snack, or offer to help me when I'm lost, or something. More than that, if you're willing to use your Korean ability to help me buy a phone, call a repair person, or plan a weekend trip, or teach me some useful Korean phrases (not too many at one time, though) you might just become my favorite Korean in the world!

Tip 3: Be sensitive: Some days, I'm in an outgoing mood, and I'd love to talk with a stranger. Other days, I'm unhappy, sick, or tired, and I really DON'T want to. Before you approach me, look at my body language, and figure out if it's saying "approach me!" or "leave me alone." This will save us both from an uncomfortable situation.

Please leave me alone...

...Any time I'm not dressed: the gym changeroom, the sauna or jimjilbang, the bathroom.

...When I have headphones on.

...When I'm focused on a book, a conversation, a journal, a drink, etc..

...When it looks like I might be on a date.

...When I'm walking quickly.

Feel free to approach me:

...If I seem lost.

...If I'm looking around, and making eye contact with people.

...If I'm climbing a mountain.

...If we’re both in line, or commuting, and I look bored.

...If I'm reading a book or doing an activity that is also a hobby or interest of yours. "I see you're reading a book about pancake art. That is a hobby of mine," is the best way to start... if it's true.

Also:

...If your kids don't want to talk to me, don't make them.

...Don't shout "hello!" at me from a distance, or out your car window as you drive by

...Don't say "Hello nice to meet you" every time you see a white face, and especially don't say it and then run back to your group of friends.

...Don't greet me if you don't even have the English ability for a simple conversation.

These things make me feel like an animal in a zoo.

OK, that's part one. Stay tuned for part two, as well as part one of "How to make friends with Koreans" for my non-Korean readers.

Here's part 2.

Back to the Table of Contents for the series.

Do Make Say Think in Seoul

Do Make Say Think is one of my favorite bands, and they played in Seoul a couple Sundays ago. They play what is often labeled "Post-rock instrumental" - longer compositions, usually without vocals (save a few la la choruses), almost like Jazz, but with more of the dynamic contrast you hear in some kinds of rock music -- lots of loud/soft, and atmospherics. It's the perfect band for me, because I'm all about the bliss-out, wherever it can be found... and dear readers, it can be found here.



So after a bit of searching to find the exact location of the venue, my buddy Evan and I headed down about twelve flights of stairs to the concert space, which was a big ol' cavernous room in the basement of a building not far from Hongik University's main gate. Evan and I grabbed seats on the risers at the back of the room, and watched On Sparrow Hills - an expat band, who reminded me of Frightened Rabbit, and did a good job of warming up the crowd, and then Vidulgi Ooyoo, a Korean bliss-out/shoegaze band with a female lead singer who didn't sing often enough, and who sounded, as Evan said, "Like the Cranberries got as high as f$*#" - especially when the singer was singing. I concur.

Here's a little of what the first two bands sounded like.

a picture of vidulgi ooyoo

Then, after very long break between sets, Do Make Say Think came on. They didn't talk to the crowd much, other than a few "I see a lot of English teachers here today" kinds of cracks. Here's a bit of their sound -- note the loud/soft shifts, and sudden changes in arrangement - from their patented everybodyplaysatonce to a soloist and back, etc..

But the problem, as always, is that live music is like nothing else. So watch this clip, but if you want to get a feel for what the show was really like, then play it as loud as possible, and project it life-size against a wall in your house, and then turn the projected life-size people into real people. That's what it was actually like to see.


I'm happy I went. I had a great time, and I'm thrilled that some of my favorite bands are finally coming to Korea: most of my favorite bands are not the arena-filling-type bands, so while Guns'n'Roses might will stop in here, Seoul is often skipped by smaller bands. It's not really my place to theorize why, but there you have it.

But great show! It was also my goodbye hang-out with my man Evan, who's gone back to Canada now. More on him later.

Problem: beyond a certain point, unless it's Lady Gaga or something, concert photos look the same for pretty much every band.

They have horns.

The crowd was really into it. Most of them seemed to be very familiar with DMST, particularly the girl who was next to us on the bleachers, who nearly exploded in her seat once the headliners came on.

More on DMST, Vidulgi Ooyoo, et al, here.

Tribute to Brian, and I Wish I Could Take Back the Angriest Blogger Tag

Soundtrack for the post: Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

Brian Deutsch is on his way out of Korea. I've known this for a while; Brian and I have met a few times, and even worked together on some stuff. Brian even contributed one of the most useful posts ever on Roboseyo: what to do with a three day weekend in Jeollanamdo - a post which I promised to answer in kind, with advice on a three day weekend in Seoul... but then forgot to do. (Actually, I haven't forgotten: it's almost finished!)

The Korea Times even wrote up a piece on Brian leaving... given Brian's commentary on The Times' reporting, I read it carefully, looking for a hints of "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead!" in the tone. Given the controversy he courted at times - particularly during the Coreana Nazi ad, the summer of 2008, when netizens went after his job, and recently, calling out the IFriendly misfire for its bad English - and the sheer relevance of his posting, to expat life in Korea, some kind of send-off was certainly deserved. Brian was my personal choice for most relevant, and most topical K-blog of 2009 - the only other contender, in my opinion, is Popular Gusts - especially since the once excellent Korea Beat turned into one part of "Asian Correspondent" - which was probably good for the makers of the site, but which dilutes the once very straightforward, Korea-focused content of the site. While Brian made some statements of regret about the time it took to maintain his blog, and what it's done for the name Brian Deutsch, at least in Korea, I think I can safely say that every blog reader and writer in Korea is very grateful for his work. I'll write him a letter of reference any time he wants. His blog has been extensive, well-written, amazingly prolific, and on the point timely. It's been an impressive run, and his absence will certainly leave a void in the K-blogosphere.

Brian and I have hung out a few times: he's a good guy, nice, kind-spirited, soft-spoken, and his manners are WAY better than mine. Just to prove we really did hang out, here's a picture from the last time we hung out together: I didn't get permission to post this picture, but I hope he doesn't mind. His fiance is also super-awesome, charming and funny, and they're really cute together. Girlfriendoseyo took to them immediately, and gets a gubby happy face every time I mention them.

There's one thing I'd like to say, for the record, about the title of the KT article: "'Angriest Blogger' Leaving Korea"

There aren't a whole lot of regrets, or things I wish I could take back, during the time I've run blogoseyo. For the most part, I'm happy to take the missteps in stride - I've fired off half-cocked a few times, I've failed to fact-check a few times, I've blundered in blogger courtesy before, and mistook a few trolls for real people, but most of it, I'll leave at "You live, you learn".

One of the things I WOULD take back, given the chance, would be the Golden Klog category "Angriest K-Blogger" - The Hub of Sparkle is still showing security warnings, so I can't link it, but I think, looking back, that it was an unfair category in the first place, and worse still, that it unfairly saddled Brian with a reductionist label. I invented the category on a whim, and didn't really think about how the nominees would like being tagged that way. Sure, maybe his critical posts were strongly written; they were also some of his most popular, and frequently referenced posts, but they were also not the bulk of his output, by any stretch. The regional information, and the festival news were other areas Brian put in more effort than the criticism, and his criticism always had a reason, an explanation, and almost always suggested a solution, which is more than I can say for many of the other contenders for "Angriest Blogger" - who are usually harsh, petty, overblown, and prone to generalize specific cases in a way that Brian didn't. He never lost perspective, even when mad netizens were trying to have his job.

A relevant article titled "Easy = True" that just showed up on "Givemesomethingtoread.com" makes the case that simple, snappy bits of information are taken to be more true than more complex explanations, expressions, or ideas. That's why a snappy neologism like "kimcheerleader" catches on: it's more fun to say than "Defensive Korean nationalist" "Korea booster" or "Korean ultra-nationalist". All advertising is built on that principle, and so is OJ's freedom (If the glove don't fit, you must acquit). I regret that "Angriest Blogger" was such an easy catchphrase, too contagious to fade into the background, and became the label by which Brian was known for the last year, even as he toned down the rage., because it mischaracterized a good guy, and a great blogger.

Good luck in the future, Brian; we'll miss you here in Kblogland; eventually someone will take over as the go-to news source, but until then, the K-blogs will be a little less fun, and a little less interesting than they were from 2007-2009.