67 Reasons Dan Gray Sucks

So Dan Gray has decided I'm his nemesis.

So it's time for me to let you all know the real Dan Gray, because really, the K-blogosphere has been entirely too bland since Metropolitician and Baeksu had their last falling out, and I'd like to make a case for why you should all be on MY side when it's time to March on Dan's twee little cupcake-eating apartment with pitchforks and torches.

His favorite Star Trek captain was Jonathan Archer.

This scene was based on Dan Gray's love life.

He eats mild salsa sauce.

He thinks Eddie Murphy's best movie was "Pluto Nash"... followed by the The Nutty Professor series.

His mom stood him up for the prom.

He can't decide whether Creed or Nickelback is the new U2.

KGB vodka coolers are too bitter for him.

He got drunk just from reading that last sentence.

He still says "Yeah, baby," like Austin Powers.

He identifies movies by the name of the lead actor or actress, and a short line from the soundtrack's theme song: "Hey. Let's watch Leonardo DiCaprio -- MYYYY HYEART WILLLLLL..."

Here's his idea of a comeback:























wait for it.

























"I hate you, Roboseyo."

When he eats cookies, he says "I'm a keebler elf!" and sings an elvin song.

After watching The Matrix ten years ago, he said to me the other day, "Hey, you know, what if WE'RE in the Matrix, right now? That'd be weird, wouldn't it?"

He still ends sentences with "not!"

He claims his collection of Morphin' Power Rangers Action Ficures is going to be worth something someday, and that's the only reason he still keeps them.

And plays with them.

He sits down when he pees.

On the bathroom floor.

He still does a Borat impression. But he always pooped in a plastic bag.

He calls Maxim instant "Real coffee."

He cried at the end of D-Wars.

When he had to start dressing more formally because he became an adult, his mom made a youtube video to show him how to attach his tie. It was a clip-on.

He looked up all his former classmates on Facebook, and sends them each a vampire bite a week.

He plagiarizes lines from The Search For The Holy Grail to insult me... but picks the wrong ones. "Hey Roboseyo: 'Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!' Hey! Hey Roboseyo! 'Three shall be the number thou shalt count' haha!"

He thinks Scary Movie 3 was better than Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Because his criteria for good movies is frequency of shots of hot women running in slow motion.

So he also thinks Transformers 2 was better than The Dark Knight.

He double-dips.

He once bathed in hand-sanitizer, and figures that'll keep him safe from Swine Flu until he dies.

He sings "My Way" at the Noraebang. Over and over.

He thinks Boyz II Men's ballads are subtle.

He gets shocked every time characters in Korean dramas get cancer.

He calls it "the google" and says "Why don't you do the google to it?" instead of "Why don't you google it" if somebody asks about something he doesnt' know.

Which means he says it a lot.

He can't eat the kimchi.

He thinks Stephen Colbert is serious.

He also thinks Dokdo Is Ours is serious.

He still hasn't found his mouse's right button.

When he sings, he tries to sound like Shakira.

And he does.

He wears pants with pleated fronts.

Old men wear pants with pleated fronts.

Also Dan.

He's worried that the elephant in Seoul Grand Park that threw a rock at the lady's head will get fair representation in court.

He thinks Ben Wagner is a fairy tale character.

He doesn't understand that words in acronyms stand for something.

He spent a year trying to lick his own elbows. He thought yoga would help.

His idea of yoga is sitting at the back of a Buddhist temple and shouting questions at the monks in charge of proceedings.

His feet got tired walking around, so he asked me to carry him.

Sometimes he wears his pants inside-out so that it's easier for him to access his pockets.

He still throws ice-cubes to show that he likes a girl.

His best pick-up line is "uhhhh, uhhhhh. Uhhhh. So.... woman...." and then runs away.

He doesn't get knock knock jokes. He goes to the nearest door.

He thought The Ugly Duckling was Mother Goose's kid.

When he plays rock scissor paper, he always chooses the fourth option: duck and cover.

He forwarded me the Numa Numa video. Last week.

His belly-button is 15 centimeters deep, and he stores skittles in there.

When you argue with him, he tells you the number of facebook friends he has to show you that he's right.

If you point out that his shoes are on the wrong feet, he says it makes him feel cool and kind of squishy that way.

When you scratch his ear, he pees.

If you ask him, "Do you live in North Korea or South Korea?" he has to think about it. Every time.

He thinks Jem and the Holograms was the band of the '80s.

He doesn't know Dokdo.

He says things like, "I'm going to go work on friendships with my facebook peeps... because I, unlike you, HAVE A LIFE!"

He still can't read Hangeul, and thinks Sejong is a brand of soju.

When he's charging his phone battery, he stands perfectly still and tries to "help it charge" with his mind-power.

He thinks Jeollanam-do is an elaborate hoax masterminded by Brian.

He thinks shouting animal noises at high volume is Japanese.

And in case you doubt any of these claims, here is a video clip that will put your doubts to rest.

OK, Dan. Your move.