Showing posts with label japan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label japan. Show all posts

Monday, December 30, 2013

Why Japan Shouldn't Apologize To Korea (Right Now): Part 1: Why Not?

What the hell, Roboseyo! You were the happy blogger who isn't supposed to hold controversial views!

Bullshit. My views are the ones that make sense to me. After thinking it out. So there, imaginary person I argue against.
Did you even read the post, Mr. Snuffleupagus? (source)


Prime Minister Abe, of Japan, done just goofed. He visited the Yasukuni Shrine, which, in East Asia, is the diplomatic equivalent of shitting in the party punchbowl. (Unilaterally declaring air defense zones is the defense equivalent, but there you have it.) (Analysis on Korea's position in the US pivot to Asia.).

This article came out in The Economist, on USA's frustration over Korea and Japan's refusal to share their toys. Asian Foreign Policy heavyweight Victor Cha wrote in the New York Times about the same thing. The Diplomat asks why Japan's apologies are forgotten. The hair-pulling is on a regular cycle: several times a year, and even more since Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe got in, Korean politicians, or other rabble-rousers call for Japan to apologize to Korea, maybe promising that love-based Asian economic zone is held back only by this. China also feels it is owed an apology, for similar reasons: "Korea and China" could be switched in for "Korea" and the main points of this article would stand more or less unchanged, given that the ball is mostly in Japan's court.

I wrote a term paper on this topic last semester, focused on the Korea Japan situation and I'd like to share some of the things I learned, or concluded, from that.

The basics: from 1910 to 1945, Japan made Korea into a colony, as part of an imperial plan to become in Asia what modern European colonial powers had become in other parts of the world. It went badly for Korea. Along the way, and especially during the Sino-Japanese war and World War II, some horrific things, like torture, human medical experimentation and forcible recruitment of Korean women to be sex-slaves to Japanese soldiers, came to pass.

This series is not discussing those historical facts: those have been documented and debated elsewhere. This series IS discussing the political realities of apologies between these two nations. So if you want to dispute facts. This isn't the blog you're looking for.

Move along, now. source

Got it? OK.

Nopologies: There Have been Apologies before: Background


Next: There HAVE been apologies before (just to pre-empt the Japanners in the comments, here's a list).

The most important, direct apologies were made by Prime Minister Murayama in 1995.

To the comfort women: "On the Occasion of the Establishment of the Asian Women's Fund"

And here's the text of the most famous one: "On the occasion of the 50th anniversary of the war's end"
During a certain period in the not too distant past, Japan, following a mistaken national policy, advanced along the road to war, only to ensnare the Japanese people in a fateful crisis, and, through its colonial rule and aggression, caused tremendous damage and suffering to the people of many countries, particularly to those of Asian nations. In the hope that no such mistake be made in the future, I regard, in a spirit of humility, these irrefutable facts of history, and express here once again my feelings of deep remorse and state my heartfelt apology. Allow me also to express my feelings of profound mourning for all victims, both at home and abroad, of that history.
Many subsequent apologies have basically repeated the language in this apology.

Here is a series of posts from Ask A Korean! explaining why those apologies have been rejected.
The Murayama apology was made by a progressive government with a weak minority in the Diet, and was controversial in Japanese civil society at the time: after the apology, a string of Japanese government ministers visited the controversial Yasukuni shrine, which honors convicted war criminals along with Japan's war dead, and symbolizes Japan's reluctance to confront and particularly, disown, its colonial past. (NYT: Japanese Apology For War is Welcomed and Criticized) (Apology "Not enough"). It's the same shrine Prime Minister Abe visited in this latest news cycle.

On and off since then, other Japanese leaders have continued to visit Yasukuni shrine, publishing houses have continued to publish textbooks white-washing Japan's war aggressions, public figures have continued to say stupid things about comfort women, and Japan's presiding president considered revoking the 1995 apology, to appease his far-right nationalist supporters. At the grass-roots level, denialist netizens say whatever shit they want pretty much with impunity. So yes, it was an apology, but since there was no break from past behavior, from leadership OR the public, it hasn't come across as very sincere to Koreans.

The question of what WOULD be a "sincere" enough apology is an important one, and we need to have an answer that has broad support among Koreans - enough that asking for more could be seen as unreasonable... to most Koreans. Otherwise that complaint about moving goalposts won't go away, but  incentive for another apology will (if it hasn't already). We also don't want the impression to develop that the aggrieved have more invested in being victims, than in moving on. Some argue that is already the case, and that would be a shame, because Korea and Japan have a lot to gain from a better relationship in areas like economy, diplomacy, and security.


Political Economy


The key to the clickbait title lies in the political economy of international apologies. Political economy is a simple enough idea: in the same way financiers look at incomplete information and make educated guesses about how to profit, politicians choose actions to maximize political gain. A sane politician  won't make an action or comment or support a policy that will clearly cause them to lose approval points, votes, and reputation, (their political capital) compared to their rivals. Given that politicians decide to issue these kinds of apologies, let's ask, what do politicians risk, and what do they gain from apologizing to another country? 

For an apology to be successful, it need to be issued by a country's leaders. It needs to be supported by the population, it needs to be accepted by the other country's leaders, and that acceptance needs to be supported by that population. Those are actually a lot of moving parts already. Things complicate further if both countries have democratic systems, more or less healthy free speech, civil societies, and political oppositions. Things complicate further still if both countries have citizens who can read the other country's language, and even more again if both countries have strong currents of nationalism.

Scenarios:

[Update: this used to be a big long thing about two imaginary countries. I'm gonna take a moment to simplify it, because it's about two actual countries.]

Let's imagine three scenarios. Japan's leaders and their people, and Korea's leaders and their people are trying to negotiate an apology that will allow both countries to move forward into better relations.


Scenario A: Strong Apology


This is how you apologize to Comfort Women.
More info here and here. Photo from here.

Or... the way Koreans seem to want it to go:

Swap out Willy Brandt and the gates of the Warsaw Ghetto, and put in Prime Minister Abe at the feet of the surviving Comfort Woman: this apology is everything Koreans have ever wanted. But Japan's political climate is pretty closely balanced: any move by one side is hotly contested by the opposition party.

It's direct and contrite: it expresses responsibility as well as remorse in clear, unambiguous language. It is backed up by substantive action in various arenas: politicians are banned from going to Yasukuni Shrine until the War Crimes display is erected, at which the text has been composed by a joint team of Korean, Japanese and Chinese scholars and historians. War criminals' names are expelled from the shrine, or moved to the new "hall of ignominy." Those same historians and scholars have a free hand to suggest amendments to museum displays, history textbooks, and general school curricula pertaining to the entire colonial period and Pacific War. Japanese lawmakers contact Germany to discuss the ins and outs of Germany's ban on Holocaust denial, with an eye toward a similar law for Japan's internet. The apology and reparations to the surviving comfort women are negotiated with full input from the surviving comfort women and they are compensated out of Japanese government coffers, documented in a way that expresses clear culpability, paired with an apology they helped write.

Japan's ruling party immediately faces a domestic backlash (even Willy Brandt was criticized for kneeling), and the prime minister is crucified in the media and civil society by the usual suspects. "They are humiliating their country in the international arena!" Out come the black vans, a few Korean-owned shops in Osaka get trashed by a few drunk Japanese denialists whose nationalist rage-on is in full swing.

Korean media (of course) covers this backlash (extensively). During the next hotly contested Korean election cycle, one of the parties makes a play for those easy nationalist votes by claiming the apology wasn't enough and promising to overturn Korea's acceptance of the apology.

This, in turn, causes a backlash in Japan: "They were never going to accept any apology" which hurts Japanese politicians supporting the apology in the next election... leading to other politicians seeing an advantage to be gained by promising to walk back that apology. If they win, they walk back that stuff about changing national museums and textbooks, and defang any Holocaust denial-ish laws that were passed. Now there is a backlash in Korea too, agains politicians who accepted that apology. "They're not really sorry, and you're suckers for accepting it."

The deepest bow on google image search. Source
Japan: "We can never bow low enough."
Korea: "Your bow has no meaning anyway"


Stuff like this gets published during the backlash: the apology has been rejected.


Japanese leaders who made the apology lose even more political capital, and frustration grows nationally that even a strong, good-faith attempt to fix things, failed. There is less incentive than ever before for any future apologies, and an increasing political disincentive, given how apologizing led to a backlash against the last folks who did it.

Nothing's settled and nobody's happy. Ill will between the countries has probably increased, as long as civil society in Japan has too strong a faction opposing apology.

TL:DR: The apology that would satisfy Korea's people would lead to a backlash in Japan. That backlash would lead to Koreans no longer being satisfied by the apology anyway.


Scenario B: Weak/Qualified (Non-)Apology - the Nopology




Let's say Japan makes the apology its domestic political climate, with that slim majority, can bear. It issues a cautious apology carefully worded, in order to avoid sacrificing too much face. Japanese leaders are protected from domestic criticism.

But over in Korea:

The apology is quickly derided as insincere and unsatisfying. We've seen this happen. Opportunist Korean politicians line up to criticize it and demand a "REAL" apology (and if South Korean politicians don't, North Korea will be quick to say the South is rolling over like a lapdog or somesuch). Protestors line up outside the Japanese embassy. On the other side, Japanese politicians and civilians accuse Koreans of moving the goalposts, or being implacable: "They don't really care about apologies: they just like to play victim."

Result: The apology is rejected. Ill will between the countries increases. Those attempting the apology lose a lot of political capital, and likely even decline to follow through with it. Those stoking anti-sentiment in both countries gain political capital. Nobody is happy except the rabble-rousers, whose positions are more entrenched than before.


Scenario C: Semi-Weak Apology



Same as Scenario B, except the apology is a little more strongly worded: takes more responsibility, or is backed up with the promise of more concrete action. Not as much as Scenario A, but more. Now, in Korea, there is some support for accepting it. But don't forget that Korea is a democracy with protected free speech, so opposition politicians and commentators, whose job it is to oppose things, still argue that the apology isn't enough.

Because of them, fallout is the same except:
Some people deride the apology instead of everybody; opposition Korean politicians criticize the apology, instead of ALL Korean politicians (some try to take the high ground, and talk about the long view... which might work, but might get buried under emotional arguments when everyone's nationalist juices are flowing, if the opposition's demagogues are at it.)

Once the Japanese public sees the mixed reaction, their reaction is pretty much the same as in Scenario B, and the end result is more or less the same.

The results in these three scenarios are actually worse for relations between Korea and Japan than the status quo: low grade resentment with the occasional flare-up when a dumbass politician or textbook publisher gets punchy.


TL:DR

For now:
  • The kind of apology that would be supported by Japan's public won't wash in Korea.
  • The apology that Korea wants wouldn't wash in Japan. 
  • Half-assed or qualified apologies make things worse. 
  • A full apology shouldn't be attempted until those who would reject even that in Korea, or those who would oppose issuing one in Japan, are small enough minorities that they are politically radioactive, or at least irrelevant. 
There is no point in adding another Japan apology, that Korea will also reject, to the list of apologies that have already been rejected, and politicians have strong disincentives to do so, as it generates public ill will and burns political capital for no benefit.

In the political economy of international apologies, politicians are calculating the above three scenarios, and in none of them does the cost/benefit end in the positive, because pleasing nationals of some other country (who don't vote in your election) isn't worth it unless you can please your OWN country's voters at the same time.

And that is Why Japan Shouldn't Apologize To Korea (right now)

Do I think Japan should apologize? Yes. But only one more time, for the last time, in such a way that everyone is satisfied that it will be the last time.


Part 2 coming eventually.




Some useful readings from the paper I wrote, that informed my logic on this topic:
Cooney, Kevin J., and Scarbrough, Alex.  2008.  “Japan and South Korea: Can These Two Nations Work Together?”  Asian Affairs: An American Review. 35.3: 173-192.
On the troubled relationship between Korea and Japan: a history of attempts to patch things up, and a clear demonstration that domestic opinion can strongly affect international policy and diplomacy.
Glaeser, Charles L., Berger, Thomas U., Mochizuki, Mike M., and Lind, Jennifer. 2009. “Roundtable Discussion of Jennifer Lind’s Sorry States: Apologies in International Politics.” Journal of East Asian Studies. 9: 337-368.
A great panel discussion in which Jennifer Lind raises the point that a badly done apology, or one that isn't seen as sincere enough, can actually worsen the situation between two countries. Charles Glaeser highlights Jennifer Lind's discussion of the lack of other apologies we'd expect to have happened (see upcoming)
Lawson, Stephanei and Tannaka, Seiko. 2011. “War memories and Japan’s ‘Normalization’ as an International Actor: A Critical Analysis.” European Journal of International Relations. 17.3: 405-428.
Contains a very good history of Japanese apologies, and why they were seen as inadequate.

Here is part 2 of this series.
Here is the table of contents.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Comfort Women with Words of Encouragement for Japan; Rob with words of encouragement about Korea

Soundtrack: Bobby Kim.
Wifeoseyo LOVES Bobby Kim, and once took me to a concert of his.  I actually like him quite a bit too... this is one of the songs on his latest; not my favorite, but I couldn't find that one on youtube.



Well, others have discussed the idiots claiming Japan deserved this disaster. To sum up... natural disasters aren't personal, and it might happen in your home state next month, and that's enough about that.  By the way: http://godhatesjapan.com/ don't judge the URL till you click on it.

However, here's something really cool that I wanted to share: Wifeoseyo first mentioned it - a news story that brought tears to her eyes.

Many of my readers already know who the "Comfort women" are -- during the colonial period, and through World War II, young Korean women (and women from other Asian nations) were brought along with Japanese armies, to provide sexual services to Japanese soldiers.  It is alleged that some, maybe all, of them, were kidnapped from their homes.  They were called "comfort women" - which is the gentlest way you can say "sex slave."  More at Wikipedia.  (Warning: don't take the Wikipedia as gospel truth: Wikipedia has become a battleground for competing national narratives in Asian historical controversies... but it should give you the broad strokes well enough.)

The days, a few of Korea's former sex-slaves are still alive, some of them living in a group home in Hyehwa.  Many lived tough lives, as their history as sex slaves left a mark on them that made it hard for their families, or society at large, to accept them, and what had happened to them.

Every Wednesday, these women stage a small demonstration in downtown Seoul, demanding Japan's leaders apologize, take full responsibility for the things done to them when they were young, and pay reparations to them -- a kind of blood money for the shitty lives some of them have lived.

The Comfort Women were out again on Wednesday... but instead of spouting some ass-hattery about Japan deserving what it got, (The head pastor of Yeouido Full Gospel Church, one of the largest Protestant churches the world, made an ass of himself that way), they came out strong in sympathy and support of the innocent people afflicted in this disaster.

This lady's holding a sign that says "Koreans in Japan, and Japanese citizens: All of you be strong!" (image from here)


If anyone had the right to talk shit about Japan, it was these women -- not the nationalist demagogues who like playing historical guilt cards to gain political points -- but rather than come out in bitterness at the things done to them, these women had grace and class.


Talking about Japan, here in Korea, can be tricky, and I'll share two reasons why today:

1. Even as Koreans love Japanese comic books and cartoons and cute toys, there are a few historical grievances, which translate into modern-day controversies and problems involving a few territories and history textbooks.  These topics can be really emotional - I even once wrote a blog post (way back when nobody read me) titled, "Do not talk about Dokdo"

Many of us expats have stories about a student, or a friend, taking a few minutes to tell us how much all Koreans hate all Japanese... and sometimes something really sad pops up, like these "hate Japan" pictures that were drawn by elementary school kids, and posted in a Korean subway station, during a wave of particularly strong Anti-Japanese sentiment... I also once had a student write "When I grow up, I want to be a general like Lee Sunshin and kill Japanese like him."  Editorials like this cast Korea in an ugly, vengeful, ungracious light.

And it can be hard to have an honest discussion about these topics, when there are so many emotions on a hair-trigger.  I've had conversations before where midway in, I figured out that the person I was talking with didn't really want to hear my opinions.  He wanted to hear his opinions about Japan (which were disappointingly, stereotypically negative) coming out of a foreigner's mouth. I don't see the point in getting involved in conversations where my actual thoughts aren't welcome, and the purpose for starting into the topic is not communication but validation.

2. The other reason it's hard to talk about Japan (as an expat, with other expats) is the echo chamber effect.

Lately, I've been looking at a lot of the memes that have been circulating in the K-blogosphere for a while... (most of which were thoughtfully collected by Kushibo here -- in a post that made an impression on me when it was satirized at Dokdo Is Ours)...

and at DIO, the phrase "echo chamber" comes up -- see, I've been noticing lately that a lot of K-blogs go over similar territory.  Nothing wrong with that, especially as many of them are documenting similar experiences (what percentage of the Korea Blog List do you think is comprised of blogs about the first two years of teaching English in Korea? At least a quarter.  Maybe more than half).  Nothing wrong with that at all... but anybody who doesn't think it gets a little self-referential from time to time is fooling themselves, especially when these bloggers start addressing each other, or an expat audience, rather than their folks back home.

And when people are gathering their information from other blogs, and when those blogs are getting their information from older sources, and especially when commenters come in and bring out the same set talking points whenever a particular topic comes up... impressions and ideas tend to crystallize... and as you and I both know, comment boards aren't conducive to nuance.

Mix in a little confirmation bias...

And you get some crystallized stereotypes and ideas about Korea and Koreans that either aren't accurate, or that used to be accurate, but are no longer... or that might still be partly true, but to a much lesser degree, or true of a much smaller proportion of Koreans, than they used to be.

A perfect example of this is the stereotype of the Dokdo finger-chopper -- that happened ONE time, but how often does the finger-chopper, or bee man, or the pheasant chuckers (all of which date back to 2005), come up, when Dokdo is on the blogs?  Pretty much every time, right? What happened outside the Japanese embassy, regarding Dokdo, last month, or the month before? Finger chopping makes a great story, but it doesn't reflect on the current state of a country that changes as quickly as Korea does, to dredge up something that happened in 2005.

All that to say sometimes the echo chamber needs to revisit some of these tropes, and update them, and some people commenting within the echo chamber, when their own information sources are mostly hearsay, and they don't have the language chops to get across the barrier themselves... they'd do well to qualify a bit.

I haven't heard somebody actually try to tell me there are no gays in Korea since 2004.  Why are people still bringing that up?  And there are lots of Koreans who can think creatively, too.

And another big one?  In my own experience, attitudes toward Japan over the last few years have become a lot more thoughtful, balanced, rational, and positive.  I don't doubt public opinion surveys would bear that out.  Koreans still think Dokdo's an important issue, but there's less "let's cut off the heads of pigeons" and more "let's be strategic about this," and I've heard less open, unqualified hostility toward Japan lately than I used to.  Hopefully this means fewer people are teaching their children to hate Japan, too.

And now, Koreans have come out overwhelmingly on the generous, gracious, sympathetic, and supportive side in this earthquake tragedy, and I'm happy, thrilled to see that. (how about this article, and this one, and this one.  Yep. Korea's treating Japan as a friend, folks.)

I'm just one dude, but this gives me hope.  This post is just one snapshot... but it's a heartening one, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, and if you're one of the ones making blanket statements about all Koreans hating Japan... maybe revisit that. Sure, there are some Koreans whose minds remain closed, and always will.  The same can be said of expats.

Prayers for Japan, and everyone connected to those struggling with this unimaginable tragedy.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Ah, Korean Game Shows

The whole "Japan is weird" meme that goes around, and leads to tv shows in America like "I survived a Japanese Game Show" and the most bizarre scene in "Lost in Translation"

parodies have also been made.




but the real thing is wackier.


anyway, never one to be left in the dust, here's a clip from MY favorite silly game on a KOREAN game show: the steel trash-can-lid karaoke showdown! (make sure you watch to the end to see what happens if you get the words wrong). I believe they're usually made to sing a folk song, and I've seen some really famous stars go through this rigmarole. I just put this on one of my friends' facebook walls, to cheer her up, because she's sick, and I thought I'd share it with you, too.


yeah Korea.

and aw heck: for good measure...
the greatest Korea-made short video I've ever seen:

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

A Completely Fictional Account of My Chusok Trip to Kyoto

[So I'm going to tell the story of my trip to Osaka and Kyoto. But the only time I'm going to tell the truth is when it's surrounded by square brackets.] Actually, everything you're about to read is totally true.

[nice spelling]


So Girlfriendoseyo and I decided to take a trip to Kyoto this Chusok weekend. Chusok, as everybody knows by now, is a hugely important Korean national holiday to mark and celebrate the introduction of Spam into Korean cuisine. We all eat budaejigae or other spam dishes, and have a little ceremony to remember all the poor ancestors who couldn't eat Spam, and eat some traditional, pre-spam-era Korean food in all its blandness, to remember life before spam.

In Japan, they don't celebrate spam. Instead, they rub balls on their faces.

And their stomachs. However, rather than having a national holiday for it, people just do it in their spare time. This was at a little shop Girlfriendoseyo and I found in Osaka.

The real reason we went to Japan, however, wasn't just to avoid Korean holiday traffic -- Highway Rest Stop food is another staple of the Korean Chusok holiday, so the highways around Korea clutter up every Chusok with people heading out to the highway to buy tapes of Trot music, bad renditions of Kalguksu, and walnut bread and delimanjoo.

Actually, it started three weeks ago, when girlfriendosyo's brother got news that his wife's sister, who lives in Osaka [that IS true, though we didn't get a chance to meet her] had gotten into some bad business with the Yakuza, and had gone missing.


This is part of the ransom note. As you can see, the regional yakuza chief in charge of the kidnapping is actually a nine-year-old white girl who is so popular, they use her face on "smile enhancement product" packages. She's perky... but ruthless. She once killed eight people in a bar with a pool cue and a box of wet-napins. Actually, the wet-napkins were mostly for cleaning up.



Anyway, THIS guy (below), who also needs help with his smile because of his apparently too-small Japanese mouth, took down the dictation from Molly's ransom note, which basically came down to " better come get your sister-in-law-in-law, or we're going to turn her into a cyborg assassin using hacked cellphone technology and parts of an I-phone".
This was bad news for us: first of all, because we don't have i-phones in Korea yet, neither Girlfriendoseyo, nor her brother, nor I knew how t hack the i-phone.processor. Secondly, it's really hard to get your hands on airplane tickets during Chusok [plus, the travel agency was the most useless one I've ever heard of]. Fortunately, by stealing the wait list for a flight, and intimidating random people with threats and dirty cellphone camera picturs until they canceled their reservactions, girlfriendoseyo and I wheeled and dealed our way onto a plane.


After a quck lunch at a pastry-shop like this one, from Osaka's food market, and four kilograms of raw vegetables to counteract that ridiculous glut of cream, we headed out.

The top-notch, super-secret Yakuza-fighting equipment we'd brought along drew a fair bit of attention among the office workers in downtown Osaka, but fortunately we could stow it while we ate Okonomi yaki. (The samurai sword is beneath the bags.)

As you can see, it cleverly disguises itself as a regular bench when not in use tracking illicit communications between gangsters.



Even though we hid our weapons and spy stuff, one yakuza assassin DID manage to track us to downtown Osaka. We think the description, "Look for a hot Korean la-hay-day and a curly-haired bignose in a cowboy hat" gave us away... even though my Tillye hat is an Outback hat, not a cowboy hat. After a short battle involving hurled chopsticks, flying elbows, a vinegar squirt-bottle, and a gucci sweater ripped off a well-dressed terrier, I managed to slash open the assassin. I had no idea Girlfriendoseyo was so accurate with her deadly trachea blows, nor that she could fold a napkin into a crease sharp enough to draw blood, and weild it with such deadly skill!

Here are his innards, looking surprisingly like the delicious yakisoba we'd polished off just minutes before the attack.


We had to clean off the hot-plate before the guy brought out our Okonomiyaki. The Oknonomiyaki, we ate undisturbed.


[the food was good. Every time I go to Osaka, I'm eating this dish, just like every time I go to Andong, I'm eating Jjimdalk, and getting a big bag of stuff from Mammoth Bakery for the ride home].


As you can see, the storefronts and entrances were full of mechanical surveillance pigeons "roosting" and waiting to give the Yakuza news of our location. Fortunately, through a combination of stealth, speed, and an automated dummy made out of parts of a dismembered Hello Kitty animatronic store-window doll, we managed to give them the slip. A contact in Kyoto claimed to have information for us, so we headed over there as quickly as we could.


[this bakery had a line from The Lord's Prayer" in it -- "donne-nous aujourd'hui notre pain du jour" means "give us this day our daily bread" -- I was intrigued to see a LOT of French in Kyoto -- signs, restaurant names, foods; French was everywhere. I'm curious about the history of that.]

At Evans Shop (below), a man in a spinning bowtie beckoned us to enter the storage room with him, where he explained that, at great risk to his person, he had obtained news about Girlfriendoseyo's Brother's Wife's Sister. She was being kept in the penthouse suite of a hotel in central Kyoto, and forced to oxygenate Yakuza Boss Molly's fishtank with a swirly-straw. A strange punishment indeed, but a fortunate turn for us, as the sister in-law, in-law hadn't been injured yet. We asked him the name of the hotel and just as he was about to tell us, a poison dart hit him in the jugular, and he fell to our feet.

Ninjas!


We ran down this street, into a network of back-alleys... bad idea, in retrospect, when being chased by ninjas who know the city well, but we were in a hurry, and didn't have time to discuss things.


Thanks to girlfriendoseyo's spectacular night vision, and my own skill with lawn darts (which I carry with me whenever I'm on a dangerous mission) we managed to locate and, um, bulls-eye most of the ninjas waiting to ambush us in shadows before they could get to us.

The back streets were picturesque, and I'm afraid I may have accidentally "tagged" a few non-ninja couples in my effort to take care of all the black-hooded assassins... but we survived the night. The task of the next day was clear: to identify which hotel penthouse she was in, and bust her out, as stealthily as possible.
[Marutamachi and Karasumaoike areas: amazing side-streets]

The hotels and restaurants in this area didn't turn up much... though we had a few bites to eat, and twisted some arms and fingers getting information about gang-owned hotels in the area. Some were quickly eliminated as possibilities, but other candidates sounded promising. Then we got attacked by a few gangs who didn't want us interfering in the business of their mobster overlords.


[turns out the Korean wave has reached Indonesia in the form of Bali bali culture. Haw haw haw.]
Although the trained assassin Orang-utans and battle drones made things difficult, fighting them off in such a pretty setting was fun. At one point, an Indonesian street gang joined in to help us battle their rival gang of mecha-droids, but once we wandered into the Iron Sushi Chef's turf, the Indonesian gang didn't dare confront those long-knife-wielding cooks.


[Across the river, in the Motomachi area]
A moment of rest in the middle of a tough evening.


[more of the motomachi area]
You can see how the many shadows meant a lot of great hiding places for ninjas and snipers. Fortunately, our senses, heightened by adrenaline, never let us down.
Finally, a fish vendor helped us with some crucial information about penthouse fishtanks, and a swirly-straw artisan's delivery-girl confirmed the location for us. The next morning, we would strike. However, to be well-rested, we walk some pretty streets,

took some photos for our cover story,

And went to bed after a quick visit with a gadget-builder I know in Kyoto, to stock up on super-badass equipment.

[I liked the level of green-consciousness in Japanese cities, and the actions they'd taken to make living more sustainably an actually feasible possibility for citizens]

[this bike garage was one example of that]



[every cultural stereotype in Japan, in one place... all that's missing is a samurai sword and maybe a giant robot]
He gave us a Hello Kitty Geisha doll that had heat and echolocation sensors inside, which could locate every living being within a 30 meter radius.

[what home is complete without cloth, stuffed sushi replicas, really?]
And some smoke pellets, noise-makers, chaos toys, magnetic pulsars, and flares for distractions.

The next morning we mad our move.


Despite being well guarded by mullets,


we forged a pass to get into the compound by impersonating a pair of schoolgirls.
[I liked the tickets to get into the Golden Pavillion]


With a careful blend of stealth and decisive violence, we found our way through the hordes of bodyguards...


to the penthouse where my sister-in-law-in-law was confined.

The approach was booby-trapped, but Indiana Jones reruns were enough to get by them.



After we found her, we snuck her out, disguised as construction workers carrying loads of supplies.
[This was at Ryoanji Temple - loved this place]

Boss Molly's bodyguards came out with knives and swords; after the forest sword fight, all the middle-range branches in the area had been lopped off. It was very conscientious of the bodyguards not to actually cut down the trees, though. These Japanese are getting so environmentally conscious! I never thought I'd live to see a sustainable gang in my life.


This cute couple was collateral damage. Too bad. I liked the guy's shirt, and his kind of bookish air.

[I could find this spectacular pagoda on google maps, but I couldn't find back its name. There were monks there, singing.]

Finally, we found the control tower that had been sending "kill" orders to every assassin robot and automated killing machine in the whole darn city. A few well-placed wires cut, and a transmission antenna maimed, and we didn't even have to burn down the wooden cultural artifact in which it was built.


Our getaway car.
[I was intrigued by all these cube-shaped cars... does anybody know why blunt-fronts are the new rage in Japanese cars? Is it something about the aerodynamics, or just the interior space?]


[White duck in pond]

This duck decoy concealed my final communication with my contact in Kyoto: his help with maps and information about Boss Molly's resources were extremely useful, and he also lent us a really great DVD we watched on Saturday night.
This forest was a hiding place where we stayed for about four hours when the hunter/killer droids and fell beasts were a little too hot on our trails. We covered our tracks and hid in a tree.
[I like mottled sunlight on moss. It reminds me of BC]


This was the path down which the last stalker disappeared, before we could finally head out for the airport.


You wouldn't know it, but this entire gate actually turns into a giant mecha robot. But he's good. Backed us up in a pinch. Japan is awesome!


Nice detail work, even on the giant mecha bots.





[these monks were chanting at the temple's closing time. It was awesome]


[This temple - don't remember the name - was the most serene: actual monks were studying/practising there; that might be why it had that atmosphere that the others kind of lacked.]


This moat is the final resting place of Yakuza boss Molly. Frustrated that her legions hadn't finished us off, she came after us herself. For a nine-year-old, she was super fast, and it took Girlfriendoseyo and me all our talents to stop her.


[loved how the couples were spaced out, almost exactly equal distances from one to the next]
This was the riverfront where I accepted the Hara-kiri of Boss Molly's three top lieutenants. Their shame in failing to protect their boss was only reconcilable through a samaurai death.



It was in the Gion area that we finally tracked her down. She had been disguised as a geisha, and we wouldn't have recognized her at all except for a large mole on her cheekbone, the shape of which even the Geisha makeup couldn't hide. Not to mention, the white paint on the back of her neckline was shaped like that of an apprentice geisha, while her hairdo was that of a full-fledged geisha: the kind of lapse that was a dead giveaway to an observant eye.
After not much more work, we pulled her aside and got her onto the rooftops of the neighborhood, where we navigated above the labyrinth of alleyways, and found our way back to our hotel without any of the ninjas finding us. We found shelter in this Shinto ... it might have been a shrine, it might have been some kind of a school ... until we could catch a ride to the airport. Of course, we had to take regular transit -- all the express buses and trains were being watched.



Also: to combine cheesy North-American coffee puns with an Asian health-food buzzword, I saw this cafe: