Thursday, February 15, 2024

Poetry Time: Way too many Roses Are Red poems, for Valentine's Day

This post is also shared on Archive Of Our Own (Link here; you'll have to click an "agree" button to view) where I sometimes publish my creative writing.

On Feb 14th, 2024, I went a little bananas writing funny "Roses are red, Violets are blue" poems on different social media websites. I'm collecting them here in the hope that they'll make some people laugh.

Work Text:

Here is the one that started it all: 

Roses are red 
Violets are blue 
This poem is too short. 

Roses are red 
Hot metal bends 
Heap happy heart day 
To all of my friends. 

To my friend taking public transit: 

Roses are red 
A grandmother fusses 
It's good to use light rail 
And tax funded busses. 

Roses are red 
Me cookie monster 
You heart is like cookie. 
Om nom nom nom nom nom nom 
Me no rhyme. 

Roses are red 
And gravity pulls 
Expect more of these poems 
'Cause I'm on a roll! 

I live in Korea, so it is actually the 15th for me when my North American friends are still celebrating Valentine's Day. 

Roses are red 
It's Valentine's Day! 
(Though not for me 
'cause I live far far away) 

Roses are red 
And green is the lime 
It's hard to find rhymes 
For International Date Line. 

Roses are red 
Sponges are porous 
You're charming and funny 
Lots more than just gorgeous. 

To my friend who's a teacher: 

Roses are red 
Violets are blue 
I bet tons of your students 
Have crushes on you! 

To my friend who is interested in medieval cultures: 

Roses are red 
Witchcraft meant immolation 
I'd haunt your descendants 
For twelve generations! 

Roses are red 
For breakfast there's porridge 
I love you, and only 
Part-way 'cause you're gorgeous. 

To a friend who lives far away: 

Roses are red 
Up high is the moon 
I wish I could visit 
Perhaps we could spoon. 

On the page of a FB group supporting LGBTQ+ folks in a religious institution: 

Roses are red 
White and other shades too 
God has such love for 
Each queer soul, and for you! 

Roses are red 
Meat Loaf sang with passion 
Hope your V-Day's loaded 
With smoochin' and smashin'! 

Roses are red 
A hit dog will yelp 
I'm trapped in this rhyme scheme 
Please someone send help! 

My facebook friend Ron, who has been an excellent writer for many years, wrote this reply to the poem above:

A rose is red and sugar surely sweet 
And dogs will yelp when struck down in the street
Your rhyme scheme lacks but two iambic feet
To pass for Shakespeare, which is kinda neat!
 My reply was as follows:

Roses are red
You speak of pentameter!
My poetry's blushing
From your way of scanning her! 

that little conversation used a lot of lingo that is mostly used in poetry discussions to talk about rhyme and rhythm of poetry. For a full explanation, jump to the bottom of this article.

The conspiracy theories amuse me trio: 

Roses are red 
Not one replicant dreams 
Explain to me this: 
Jet fuel can't melt steel beams! 

Violets are blue 
But they're just gray to me 
Ever since the vaccine 
Turned my eyes to 5G! 

Daisies are white 
Storage goes in the basement 
Paul McCartney's a fake 
Doppelgänger replacement! 

In reference to a very out-of-date Covid meme: 

Roses are red 
Dancers move so adroitly 
Don't spend your Valentine's Day 
Talking moistly 

Roses are red 
I thought that I'd heard it all 
You are the best 
And that's incontrovertible 

Roses are red 
Sugar pills are placebos 
I didn't think this one through 
Bulbous bouffant, Gazebo! 

(that last one was a reference to a comedy sketch by The Vestibules: you can enjoy the zany video here.)

Roses are red 
The buffalo roams 
The word Valentine's too long 
To fit such short poems 

These next two are political... skip them if you don't like politics in your poetry, though I should add that poetry is often political, and one group of people that dictators put in prison is writers, because writers have the power to stir the people up into a movement, and many good poets around the world, and through history, have spent time in jail or in exile because their poetry, or stories, or essays, ruffled the wrong (or right!) feathers.
Roses are red 
D.J. Trump's apoplectic 
Hope your red heart day 
Is calm and not hectic 

Roses are red 
Apes do not have a tail 
I'm getting more certain 
Trump's going to iforgothowthisoneended 

The next two are also connected. 
On Seduction and Wooing in the Information Age 

Roses are red 
Fellas, please don't be rude 
Don't request unexpectedly 
Pictures of boobs 

Violets are blue 
Red and white for most wines 
If you're in such a sort 
Of relationship, fine! 

This next one is also slightly related to the last two: 
For my feminist friends on Valentine's Day 

Roses are red 
It's fun at a party 
Another fun thing: 
Smashing the patriarchy!  

The next two are also connected: 
To Those Lonely on Valentine's Day 

Roses are red 
Today some are lonely 
Could be any reason: 
Not just 'cause you're homely 

If today you are singing 
A solitaire tune 
For a fee I'll come over 
And be little spoon 

Roses are red 
For some, Valentine's terrible 
To make the day bearable. 

(have some doggies and babies, then)

An Anti-Valentine: 

Roses are red 
Duct tape works in a pinch 
You're a guff-swifting 
Sick sucky pup, Mr. Grinch! 

Roses are red 
This isn't a bluff: 
These all are original 
And done off the cuff 

The Grand Finale: 
How to Celebrate Valentine's Day 

Roses are red 
Some folks play it up 
With dozens of roses 
And dinners and stuff 

Violets are blue 
And some take it low-key 
Whatever you like 
Even love karaoke! 

Daisies are white 
And garbage is stinky 
Some head for the bedroom 
With toys to get kinky 

Marigolds orange 
And cold penguins huddle 
Some people like spooning 
And have a good cuddle. 

Whatever your shade, 
Make it mellow or frantic 
There's someone who loves you 
Platonic or romantic. 

I hope you enjoyed my poems, and if you celebrate it, I hope you had a great Valentine's day. If you don't, I hope you had a great random day in the middle of February with no special importance. 

Love Rob

*Here is a little explanation about the poetic lingo used in those poems up above:

Notes on these three poems, in case it's been a long time since you were in English class: 

Scanning discusses if a line of poetry fits a rhythm pattern. If a poem scans, it fits its pattern perfectly. If it doesn't scan, the pattern misses. Some poets write lines that don't scan on purpose, for various reasons.

Iambic when a poem has an unstressed/STRESSED pattern, we call it iambic. There are other patterns, (go google poetry meter to learn them). When a poem's rhythm goes, "da DUM da DUM da DUM" it's iambic. 

Feet tell us how many times a line of poetry repeats its pattern. Three repeats per line means three feet. 

Pentameter - if a line has five repeats or five feet, it's pentameter, so iambic pentameter goes "da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM." The common stress patterns of English words mean that English falls into iambic pentameter really easily, and a lot, like, a LOT of English poetry is in Iambic Pentameter, including most of William Shakespeare's work. 

"Roses are red" poems often have three feet. My friend's reply is written in Iambic Pentameter, and he is correct that with two more iambic feet (another da DUM da DUM) the poems would be in Iambic Pentameter -- Shakespeare's favorite meter to use. 

My last reply says my poetry's blushing, as a pun on the word scan, which sometimes means checking the rhythm of a poem, and sometimes means looking something up and down.

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