Poetry Time: Way too many Roses Are Red poems, for Valentine's Day

This post is also shared on Archive Of Our Own (Link here; you'll have to click an "agree" button to view) where I sometimes publish my creative writing.

On Feb 14th, 2024, I went a little bananas writing funny "Roses are red, Violets are blue" poems on different social media websites. I'm collecting them here in the hope that they'll make some people laugh.

Work Text:

Here is the one that started it all: 

Roses are red 

Violets are blue 

This poem is too short. 

Roses are red 

Hot metal bends 

Heap happy heart day 

To all of my friends. 

To my friend taking public transit: 

Roses are red 

A grandmother fusses 

It's good to use light rail 

And tax funded busses. 

Roses are red 

Me cookie monster 

You heart is like cookie. 

Om nom nom nom nom nom nom 

Me no rhyme. 

Roses are red 

And gravity pulls 

Expect more of these poems 

'Cause I'm on a roll! 

I live in Korea, so it is actually the 15th for me when my North American friends are still celebrating Valentine's Day. 

Roses are red 

It's Valentine's Day! 

(Though not for me 

'cause I live far far away) 

Roses are red 

And green is the lime 

It's hard to find rhymes 

For International Date Line. 

Roses are red 

Sponges are porous 

You're charming and funny 

Lots more than just gorgeous. 

To my friend who's a teacher: 

Roses are red 

Violets are blue 

I bet tons of your students 

Have crushes on you! 

To my friend who is interested in medieval cultures: 

Roses are red 

Witchcraft meant immolation 

I'd haunt your descendants 

For twelve generations! 

Roses are red 

For breakfast there's porridge 

I love you, and only 

Part-way 'cause you're gorgeous. 

To a friend who lives far away: 

Roses are red 

Up high is the moon 

I wish I could visit 

Perhaps we could spoon. 

On the page of a FB group supporting LGBTQ+ folks in a religious institution: 

Roses are red 

White and other shades too 

God has such love for 

Each queer soul, and for you! 

Roses are red 

Meat Loaf sang with passion 

Hope your V-Day's loaded 

With smoochin' and smashin'! 

Roses are red 

A hit dog will yelp 

I'm trapped in this rhyme scheme 

Please someone send help! 

My facebook friend Ron, who has been an excellent writer for many years, wrote this reply to the poem above:

A rose is red and sugar surely sweet 

And dogs will yelp when struck down in the street

Your rhyme scheme lacks but two iambic feet

To pass for Shakespeare, which is kinda neat!

 

 My reply was as follows:

Roses are red

You speak of pentameter!

My poetry's blushing

From your way of scanning her! 

that little conversation used a lot of lingo that is mostly used in poetry discussions to talk about rhyme and rhythm of poetry. For a full explanation, jump to the bottom of this article.

 

The conspiracy theories amuse me trio: 

Roses are red 

Not one replicant dreams 

Explain to me this: 

Jet fuel can't melt steel beams! 

Violets are blue 

But they're just gray to me 

Ever since the vaccine 

Turned my eyes to 5G! 

Daisies are white 

Storage goes in the basement 

Paul McCartney's a fake 

Doppelgänger replacement! 

In reference to a very out-of-date Covid meme: 

Roses are red 

Dancers move so adroitly 

Don't spend your Valentine's Day 

Talking moistly 

Roses are red 

I thought that I'd heard it all 

You are the best 

And that's incontrovertible 

Roses are red 

Sugar pills are placebos 

I didn't think this one through 

Bulbous bouffant, Gazebo! 

(that last one was a reference to a comedy sketch by The Vestibules: you can enjoy the zany video here.)

Roses are red 

The buffalo roams 

The word Valentine's too long 

To fit such short poems 

These next two are political... skip them if you don't like politics in your poetry, though I should add that poetry is often political, and one group of people that dictators put in prison is writers, because writers have the power to stir the people up into a movement, and many good poets around the world, and through history, have spent time in jail or in exile because their poetry, or stories, or essays, ruffled the wrong (or right!) feathers.

 

Roses are red 

D.J. Trump's apoplectic 

Hope your red heart day 

Is calm and not hectic 

Roses are red 

Apes do not have a tail 

I'm getting more certain 

Trump's going to iforgothowthisoneended 

The next two are also connected. 

On Seduction and Wooing in the Information Age 

Roses are red 

Fellas, please don't be rude 

Don't request unexpectedly 

Pictures of boobs 

Violets are blue 

Red and white for most wines 

If you're in such a sort 

Of relationship, fine! 

This next one is also slightly related to the last two: 

For my feminist friends on Valentine's Day 

Roses are red 

It's fun at a party 

Another fun thing: 

Smashing the patriarchy!  

The next two are also connected: 

To Those Lonely on Valentine's Day 

Roses are red 

Today some are lonely 

Could be any reason: 

Not just 'cause you're homely 

If today you are singing 

A solitaire tune 

For a fee I'll come over 

And be little spoon 

Roses are red 

For some, Valentine's terrible 

Have some doggies and babies 

To make the day bearable. 

(have some doggies and babies, then)

An Anti-Valentine: 

Roses are red 

Duct tape works in a pinch 

You're a guff-swifting 

Sick sucky pup, Mr. Grinch! 

Roses are red 

This isn't a bluff: 

These all are original 

And done off the cuff 

The Grand Finale: 

How to Celebrate Valentine's Day 

Roses are red 

Some folks play it up 

With dozens of roses 

And dinners and stuff 

Violets are blue 

And some take it low-key 

Whatever you like 

Even love karaoke! 

Daisies are white 

And garbage is stinky 

Some head for the bedroom 

With toys to get kinky 

Marigolds orange 

And cold penguins huddle 

Some people like spooning 

And have a good cuddle. 

Whatever your shade, 

Make it mellow or frantic 

There's someone who loves you 

Platonic or romantic. 

I hope you enjoyed my poems, and if you celebrate it, I hope you had a great Valentine's day. If you don't, I hope you had a great random day in the middle of February with no special importance. 

Love Rob

*Here is a little explanation about the poetic lingo used in those poems up above:

Notes on these three poems, in case it's been a long time since you were in English class: 

Scanning discusses if a line of poetry fits a rhythm pattern. If a poem scans, it fits its pattern perfectly. If it doesn't scan, the pattern misses. Some poets write lines that don't scan on purpose, for various reasons.

Iambic when a poem has an unstressed/STRESSED pattern, we call it iambic. There are other patterns, (go google poetry meter to learn them). When a poem's rhythm goes, "da DUM da DUM da DUM" it's iambic. 

Feet tell us how many times a line of poetry repeats its pattern. Three repeats per line means three feet. 

Pentameter - if a line has five repeats or five feet, it's pentameter, so iambic pentameter goes "da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM." The common stress patterns of English words mean that English falls into iambic pentameter really easily, and a lot, like, a LOT of English poetry is in Iambic Pentameter, including most of William Shakespeare's work. 

"Roses are red" poems often have three feet. My friend's reply is written in Iambic Pentameter, and he is correct that with two more iambic feet (another da DUM da DUM) the poems would be in Iambic Pentameter -- Shakespeare's favorite meter to use. 

My last reply says my poetry's blushing, as a pun on the word scan, which sometimes means checking the rhythm of a poem, and sometimes means looking something up and down.